- Rubbish Notice
- Rubbish Ambition?
- No Rubbish Sign
- Real Rubbish
- 'Get out of that', say Binmen
- Don't Upset the Binmen
- Rubbish Savings Account
- Road to Nowhere?
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
It Gets Worse - The Council Routinely Search Rubbish. (Reported in the Times)Today I can reveal the other side to the story, the council's side. And the great thing is that it makes the council look even more fatuous than it did last Thursday when Tierney contacted his local newspaper to complain about the fine. The council now alleges that Tierney did not deposit just two letters in the litter bin, but a whole sack of 'domestic rubbish'. Tierney denies the imputation: 'They're just trying to save face. They've been made to look stupid, so they come up with this. Why didn't they say that on Thursday?' Quite; but more to the point, how did they know that this black bag full of 'domestic rubbish' had been deposited by Tierney - unless, that is, they pay someone to rifle through the garbage with the sole purpose of persecuting rubbish-placement transgressors? Well, of course, on cross-examination it transpires that this is exactly what they spend your council tax on. Rubbish placement transgressor inspectors. 'If we find a black bin bag in a litter bin, we will sift through the rubbish and attempt to identify who put it there, 'a council employee told me, with great patience, as if this were a perfectly reasonable thing to do.' A refuse disposal man will identify a black bag and then report it to his supervisor and a decision will be made to examine the contents of the bag and, upon identifying the miscreant, issue a fixed penalty notice.' You couldn't make this up and, luckily, I didn't have to. There are other eternally vigilant people employed by Hinckley and Bosworth borough council whose job it is to persecute the residents who pay their wages. These are called neighbourhood wardens - 'the eyes and ears of the local community', according to the council spokeswoman. It was one of these individuals who espied Tierney putting some litter in a bin and quickly filed a report. So they have people paid to walk the streets and make sure you don't put letters in a litter bin and other people employed to sift through your rubbish and fine you if you do. Possibly people like you and I, possibly weird people whom you would not wish to sit next to at dinner. The average council tax charge in Hinckley and Bosworth is £1,242.97 a year. Council tax charges have risen by about 100% nationally over the past decade. This is a small price for such extraordinary vigilance, such devotion to the cause. Quite what the cause is remains a mystery. A rubbish bin lorry tipped over as it tried to take a corner, crushing two parked cars in Hampshire, England
Unusual, Funny and Strange Enquiries Made to Local Councils in EnglandThe calls make a change from enquiries about council tax and rubbish bin collection say Will and Guy.
- One query about registering the death of a person who was still alive was just one of the quirky calls received by council call centres last year. The inquiry to Surrey County Council was among 50m calls to local authority customer services each year.
- Another to Northumberland County Council asked where its pest control officers bought their rifles.
- One caller to East Dorset District Council's Tourist Information Centre wanted an explanation of the plot of the 18th century play "She Stoops to Conquer".
- Another bizarre call in Surrey was from an oddball who asked if he was allowed to roll up a zebra crossing.
- A German went to a council customer services reception desk in Northumberland to claim political asylum.
- A motorist called Sutton Council to ask if a car park was haunted. She thought her vehicle was in a different place from where she left it.
- Another resident in the borough asked whether he could put a dead fox in a recycling bin.
- The fact that councils are so often the first port of call for residents who are seeking a solution to their problems shows just how central a role councils play in the lives of their communities Will and Guy were informed.
Guy's favourite verses I say, I say Duncan I 'er...I found a police dog in my dustbin (How do you know he's a police dog) He had a policeman with him Now one day while in a hurry He missed a lady's bin He hadn't gone but a few yards When she chased after him 'What game do you think you're playing' She cried right from the heart 'You've missed me...am I too late' 'No... jump up on the cart'Now here's a little story To tell it is a must About an unsung hero That moves away your dust Some people make a fortune Other's earn a mint My old man don't earn much In fact....he's flippin'.....skint Oh, my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat He looks a proper narner In his great big hob nailed boots He's got such a job to pull em up That he calls them daisy roots Some folks give tips at Christmas And some of them forget So when he picks their bins up He spills some on the steps Now one old man got nasty And to the council wrote Next time my old man went 'round there He punched him up the throat Oh, my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say, I say Duncan I 'er...I found a police dog in my dustbin (How do you know he's a police dog) He had a policeman with him Though my old man's a dustman He's got a heart of gold He got married recently Though he's 86 years old We said 'Ear! Hang on Dad you're getting past your prime' He said 'Well when you get to my age' 'It helps to pass the time' Oh, my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say, I say, I say My dustbins full of lillies (Well throw 'em away then) I can't Lilly's wearing them Now one day while in a hurry He missed a lady's bin He hadn't gone but a few yards When she chased after him 'What game do you think you're playing' She cried right from the heart 'You've missed me...am I too late' 'No... jump up on the cart' Oh, my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say, I say, I say (What you again) My dustbin's absolutely full with toadstools (How do you know it's full) 'Cos there's not much room inside He found a tiger's head one day Nailed to a piece of wood The tiger looked quite miserable But I suppose it should Just then from out a window A voice began to wail He said (Oi! Where's me tiger head) Four foot from it's tail Oh, my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat Next time you see a dustman Looking all pale and sad Don't kick him in the dustbin It might be my old dad Footnote Please send us your funny rubbish notice.