Funny Newspaper Ads – Headlines

Those personal, or small ads, that you find in the classified columns of any newspaper are a rich source of humour.  They
say that top comedians have a team of researches scouring newspaper headlines for
amusing material to incorporate in their jokes and one-liners.  Let us follow their lead and flick thought the small ads.

• Tip: Always Read the
  Small Ads Column
• Another Batch of
  Funny Newspaper Adverts
• Funny Ads Gathered
  from Local Newspapers
• 
  Sequence of 4 Hilarious Small Ads
• Funny Headlines in Newspapers

Tip - Always Read
the Small Ads Column

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
  Automatically burns toast.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced.  Get an extra pair to take home.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined gender.
• Sytle - our name says it all
  (See small ad opposite)
• Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.
  Like one of the family.
  (Editor: Who?)
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
  We do it carefully by hand.
• Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Teen Pregnancy - New Statistical Analysis

Another Batch of Funny
Newspaper Adverts

• Great Dames for sale.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
  
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
  (See picture opposite)
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• If you think You've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Funny Ads
Gathered from Local Newspapers

Indecision - I cannot decide
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and cream cakes and hence dying from heart disease; then in the next breath, they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension
money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

Mail order? or Female Order?
I
am married to a Malaysian lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.  She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

Ironing Buddies
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her.  Can
anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

My Mum's Older than Your Mum

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum?  My mum's 77.  Beat that.

Alton Towers
'Where the magic never ends', or so Alton Towers' publicity claims.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm.

Clever Son of a Gun?
A Mercedes car was involved in an accident in York
Street, Doncaster. As expected a crowd gathered and a journalist from the Doncaster Evening News was anxious to get a story but he could not get near the car. Being a clever cove, he started shouting loudly,
'Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.' The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

(Trivia: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes!)

Clamp down
I'll never understand my next door neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has parked
it in his own drive.

Small Fry?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.  They've obviously never been to the 'Chips 'r Us' fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.

Collect Your Reward?

See more funny adverts on
billboards

More
Funny Newspaper Ads

• In the classified ads: Sewing-machine mechanic to work in ladies' housecoats.  Good wages and working conditions.
• At yesterday's Columbus Day fair, a woman was bitten by a dog in the entertainment area.
• Four poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.
• Sign on notice board: For Sale: exercise bike good as new. Please call Mrs. Stout.

Will and Guy Tracked Down This Sequence of 4 Hilarious Small Ads:

Mon. For Sale: - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 565-0747 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him
cheap.

Tues. NOTICE - We regret having erred in W.A. Harris's
ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap:
565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him after 7 p.m.

Wed. NOTICE - W.A. Harris has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in
his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE -
W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 565-0747 and ask
for Mrs. O'Hara who loves with him.

Thurs. NOTICE - I, W.A. Harris, have NO sewing machine
for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 565-0747, as the telephone has been
disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. O'Hara. Until yesterday
she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

Funny Headlines in Newspapers

An Old Chestnut
How Do You Spell Mississippi?

More Really Funny and Amusing Classified Ads Found in Newspapers

• Buy: "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in
  multi-packs.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $500 a month. References
  required.
• Tired of working for only $10.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing
  and flexible hours. Starting pay: $8 - $10 per hour.
• Free puppies: part German shepherd, part dog.
• Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Unusual Jobs At Safeway

More Funny Newspaper Ads

• Man, honest.  Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month. References
  required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
  lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save.  Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
  including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
  walks well.
• See
  more funny retirement small ads.

Will and Guy's Best
Top Ten Silly,
Droll and Clean Newspaper Adverts

1. Free Puppies: ½ Cocker Spaniel, + ½ sneaky neighbour's
   dog.
2. Free Puppies: Mother, a Kennel Club registered German
   Shepherd and Father, Super Dog........ able to leap tall fences in a
   single bound.
3. Joining Nudist colony: Must sell washer and dryer £100.
4. Wedding dress For Sale: Worn once by mistake.
   Call Carolyn.
5. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
   drink.
6. Our experienced Mum will care for your child.
   Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
7. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
8. Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward. Neutered.
   Like one of the family.
9. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
   factory.
10. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Vintage Tawny Port:
    sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by
    us last year.

Trouble With Your Memory?

Footnote
Please send us any funny newspaper ads that you see.