Funny Library Jokes

Book lovers need never go to bed alone.

Actual Questions Asked of Librarians: Will and Guy's Best Short Stories

  • Do you have books here?
  • Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
  • Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought
    on National Park sites?
  • Where in the library can I find a power socket for for my hairdryer?
  • Do you have that book by Rushdie, ‘Satanic Nurses’?  [Actual title: ‘Satanic Verses’]
  • I am seeking a directory of laws that I can break, so that I would be
    returned to jail for a couple of years.
  • Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?

Questions Asked of Staff at National Parks

  • Grand Canyon National Park Rangers – Was this canyon man made?
  • Everglades National Park – Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Mesa Verde Park – Do you know of any undiscovered remains?
    (The old ones are the best)
  • What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • Banff National Park – What’s the best trail to take a bike on to see
    a cougar?
  • Where are the animals kept at night?   See below!

Cats: Bedtime Reading

Cat Reading

A Kids Library Joke

I took Eddie, my 10-year old nephew, into the Newtown library.

Eddie soon spots the librarian’s counter.  He has seen This setup
before.  With glee, he runs up to the counter and loudly says, “I’ll
have a cheese-burger, fries and a Coke!”

“Shhhh!” says the assistant. “This is a library. You’ll have to be

“Sorry,” my nephew replies.

Eddie then whispers in a very low voice, “I’ll have a cheese-burger,
fries and a Coke!”

Library Jokes and Funny One-linersBooks on Houdini

  • Never judge a book by its movie.  JW Eagan
  • From the moment I picked
    your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
    Groucho Marx
  • The first book of the Bible is Guinness’s.  In the book of Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple.
  • Why didn’t the thief burgle the library?
    Because he was afraid the judge would give him a long sentence.
  • How come the librarian slipped and fell in the library?
    Because she strayed into the non-friction section
  • What did one book say to the other one?
    I just wanted to see if we are on the same page.
  • What do you do if pet starts eating your library book?
    Take the words right out of their mouth.
  • I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he
    can easily buy one for a few dollars.  Fred Allen

The 10 Shortest Books Ever WrittenBooks on paranoia

  1. Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook
  2. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  3. Royal Family’s
    Guide to Good Marriages
  4. Everything Men Know About Women
  5. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
  6. A Plan For Prohibition In Australia
  7. Safe Places to Travel in the USA
  8. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
  9. 1000 Years of German Humour
  10. The Fat, Lard, and Cream Diet

If you have a variation of this
Shortest Book Joke
, then please let us know.
Windows Libraries.

Top 10 FORBIDDEN Library Titles For Children

  1. Gerbil merry-go round, and other great microwave games.
  2. Fifty new places to poke a pencil.
  3. The little girl who died from eating all her vegetables
  4. Why washing clothes causes childhood allergies.
  5. Children’s guide to hitch-hiking.
  6. Flying lessons for kittens.
  7. Toys that your neighbours are getting.
  8. Where mothers hide treats.
  9. Advanced screaming, crying and whinging.
  10. How to avoid washing daddy’s car.

More Library Jokes and Funny Quotes

A bloke walks into library and asked the assistant:
‘Do you have any
books on suicide’

‘No chance’, says the librarian,  ‘You wont bring it back!’

Kindly sent in by Col Dickson

Funny Library RulesFunny Library Books Overdue

  • Whenever you are looking for an important book it’s always out of stock.
    However, if you you are looking for an indispensable book, then it’s out of print.
  • The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
  • In any library, there is only one person who knows where all the books
    are.  Find them before their boss fires them.
  • In any library, the helpfulness of any member of staff is inversely
    proportional to the number of pens in that person’s pocket.
  • The student with the most overdue books fails their course.  [One
    professor we know comes into the college library at the end of every
    academic year, and asks for the list of students with overdue books.
    We cannot help noticing that the list corresponds precisely to the end of
    term grades. The student with the most overdue books failed their course.]

Book and Library Quotes

  • A good book is the best of friends.  English Proverb
  • Choose an author as you would a friend.  Wentworth Dillon
  • Your library is your portrait.  Holbrook Jackson
  • No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
  • ‘Classic’: A book which people praise but don’t read.  Mark
  • Books are lighthouses erected in the great sea of time.  Edwin
    P. Whipple
  • In reading, as in eating, an appetite is half the feast.  Anonymous

Short, Clean, Silly, Funny, Library Jokes

Small World

Customer: I am looking for a globe of the earth.
We have a table-top model over here.

Customer: No, that’s not good enough. Don’t you have a life-size?

Librarian: [pauses] Yes, but it’s in use right now.’

Library – Or McDonalds?

Marion [none too bright] walks into the library and says to the
librarian, ‘Can I have a burger and fries?’
[whispering]: ‘Ssssh…Sorry, this is a library.’

Marion: [whispering also] ‘Oh, may I have a burger and fries?’

See more library jokes.

Librarians Uncover A Surprising Book Thief: George Washington

  • The first president of the United States of America borrowed two
    books from the New York Society Library in 1789 but failed to return
  • Adjusted for inflation, he has since racked up $300,000 USD
    [£195,000 GBP] in fines for being some 220 years late.
  • The New York Society Library says it will not pursue the fine. It
    would simply like the books back.
  • On 5 October 1789, the first president borrowed two books from what
    was then the only library in Manhattan – “Law of Nations,” a
    dissertation on international relations, and a volume of debate
    transcripts from Britain’s House of Commons.
  • George Washington did not even bother to sign his name in the
    borrower’s ledger. An aide simply scrawled “president” next to the title
    to show who had taken them out.
  • The two tomes were due back a month later but were never returned
    and have been accruing late fees ever since. Librarians uncovered the
    misdemeanour as they were digitising the library’s ledger from that time.

I need a book; I really do
By Charlene Wexler

I need a book; I really do: I want to hold and cuddle those paper pages
anew. I want to flip through from page one to page 902.
I need a book; I
really do: I want to be able to quickly check information.The thought of no
book is giving me vexation.
I need a book; I really do: I don’t care if
the print is small, too. I’ll adjust; I always do.
I need a book; I
really do: So the pages are yellow and a brittle to the touch.The pages
number 102, and I’ve re-read them almost as much.
I need a book; I really
do: So it weighs much more than digital devices; what a sin. But it is
always there and never needs to be plugged in.
I need a book; I really
do: Books get lost, you say. But tell me, has anyone really retrieved lost
text from the cloud, anyway?
I need a book; I really do: With pencil in
hand I scribble notes all over the pages. Yes, I must admit I sometimes
deface a favorite book with both admiration and rages.
I need a book; I
really do: One I can share with my grandchild. Just trytelling an Internet
bed-time story without getting riled.
I need a book; I really do: They
make a great booster seat. And under a projector, they are neat.
I need a
book; I really do: My bookshelves are empty, gathering dust. Who will say,
with so many books, be an intellectual she must?
I need a book; I really
do: When the electricity is out, worthless are my Kindle, I-Pad, and Nook.
Just give me a candle and a book.
I need a book; I really do: As a famous
writer (ha-ha) my books will still be a around for many views. Long after
today’s digital devices go the way of yesterday’s news.
I need a book; I
really do: One or two, that I can pass on to you!

See more poems and stories by Charlene Wexler »

If you have any funny library jokes, then please email us.

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