Funny Jokes for September

There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon
to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. William James

Good Funny Jokes for September

• Back to School Jokes and Stories
• Countryside Jokes from Around the World
• Future Starts
  Tomorrow
• Hunting, Fishing and Shooting Jokes
• Husband Encourages Wife to Shop
• Interesting Facts
• Loser of the Month
• Out of the Mouths of Children
• Pictures for September
• Skimming Stones - Ducks and Drakes
• Squirrel Assault Course (Video)

Here is a Selection of our Good Funny Jokes for September:

This month's material combines good funny jokes with amusing clean stories.   We aim to
entertain and even surprise, but never to shock you or cause offence.

Farmer's Names

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names.  So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.

It was the first
day of September and the first day the children had gone to their new school.
The teacher greeted the children and asked each child their name.  When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'

The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad
replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'

The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'

The youngster pushed himself
out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'

Loser of the Month - September

Man Survives Ant Attack

The expressions, 'I don't believe it,' and 'You cannot be serious,' came to
mind when Will and Guy discovered this story about an elderly Polish gentleman.
We think it has to be runner up in the loser of the month competition.

Having been driven quite mad by an invasion of ants into his apartment which
is in a block of flats in Lublin, eastern Poland, Mr Marcin Bartosz, aged 74,
poured gallons of insecticide into a ventilation shaft in order to rid the
condominium of the pests. When this had no effect whatsoever on the ants, the
senior citizen decided to throw a burning towel after them and into the shaft.

The explosion that followed left Mr Bartosz with third degree burns and a
stay in the local hospital. Incredibly, we have found out that none of his
neighbours was in any way hurt.

Interesting Facts:

1. Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
2. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
3. More people use blue toothbrushes than red.
   See more interesting facts

New Fashion

Bernie, a farmer, was in a café in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, one day having lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. What really caught his attention was that Matthew was wearing an earring.
Berjnie knew his old mate to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, and he was curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' So he approached Big Mat and gently enquired, 'Ooo, argh, Big Mat, I
didn't know you was into earrings an' that.'

'No big deal, Bernie, argh but 'tis only an earring,' Big Mat replied rather sheepishly.

Bernie, the farmer, was silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity got the better of him and he demanded, 'So, Big Mat, then 'ow long have you been wearing one then?'

'Ahaaa, ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my lorry,' Matthew answered.

Websites with Funny, But Clean Names

• childrenswear.co.uk - Naughty children!
• choosepain.com - We prefer Portugal
• newsnow.co.uk - No danger of an avalanche in England
• teacherstalk.com - Catch a coach?

Most Wanted

Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to
a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Ronnie asked,' Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?'

The Nicest Thing About The Future

1. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
2. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
3. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket

Origin of the phrase 'Ducks and Drakes'

An early reference in the sixteenth century talks of 'making ducks and drakes'.  Even allowing for medieval English, there is a clear connotation that the skimming stone is imitating a duck taking off from
a pond.

A little later the phrase 'ducks and drakes' implied wasting, squandering, or idling away one's money.  Latterly, the meaning has mutated to playing fast and loose, or being reckless.

September is the best time for skimming stones in because the weather is
warm, but the rivers and beaches are less crowded than August.
See more on stone skimming.

Rubbish Savings Account

A Chinese man put his savings in a rubbish bin to hide them from burglars - then forgot and threw them out.

Mr Cui hid the equivalent of £3,200 [$6411USD] in the kitchen bin before he and his wife went away on a business trip. 'We looked around our home and finally decided to hide the money in the garbage bin,
where we believed it was safest from burglary,' said Cui who lives in Qingdao city. But Cui and his wife forgot about the money when they returned, reports Bandao City Papers. 'I threw away the garbage the day
after I came home, since the bin was full,' he said.

Two days passed before Cui remembered where he had hidden the money, and when he rushed to check the garbage room, it had already been taken away. 'Our
last hope was the city garbage treatment centre, but the landfill was so vast that we knew our money was lost forever,' he said.

More Good Funny Jokes

Excuse Notes - Why Pupils are not back at school

• Please excuse Susie, she has been sick and under the doctor.

• Please excuse Barry for being. It was his father's
  fault.

• Cedric
  will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.   See more 'Back to school jokes'

It's September and two geese are chatting in a farmyard

One says to the other, 'What do you do now that summer is over and you
begin to feel lonely?'

The other one replied, 'Oh, I just have a gander around.'

Shown Up - Big Time

Dylan and Charlie are talking about fishing. Charlie says emphatically, 'I am never going to take my wife fishing with me ever again, Dylan!'

'That bad, eh?' enquires Dylan smiling.

'Yeah, she did everything wrong, got nothing right. She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the
hook wrongly, used the wrong lures and worst of all she caught more fish than me!' bellows Charlie.
See more
good hunting /
fishing / shooting jokes.

Good Clean Pirate Jokes

Why
can't you play cards on a pirate ship?
The captain keeps standing on the
deck.

How do you make a tall pirate short?
You take all his money.

What does the ocean say when it sees the shore?
Nothing, it just
waves.

What does a pirate's parrot eat.
Polyfiller.
See more about Talk Like a
Pirate

September Special Events

•  Back to school!
•  Labor Day USA (1st Monday
  in September)
•  9th International Day of Peace
• 12th September Blackberry Day
• Grandparents Day
  USA
• Rosh
  Hashanah - Jewish New Year
• 16th Mexico's Independence Day
• 19th Talk
  Like a Pirate Day
• 21st St Matthew's Day (Mabon in Wales)
• Chinese Moon Festival
• 22nd Elephant
  Appreciation Day
• 23rd Autumnal Equinox.
• 28th Alexander Fleming Discovered Penicillin (1928)
• Stone Skimming
  Championships
• 29th Michaelmas (Quarter Day)

See other interesting events that happened in September back
down the years.

• Quiz - September Dates
• Zodiac Signs for September

Footnote:
Please send us your funny September jokes