Funny Jewish Jokes and Humour

Jewish humour has a tendency to be particularly self indulgent, self deprecatory, anecdotal and very funny. Will and Guy have decided to include these examples to balance our other funny pages, which laugh at individual groups: Sardar, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, as well as English and American.  We remind our readers of our pledge not to upset any ethnic group, and hope that these examples will make you laugh.Funny Jewish Jokes

Jewish Humour: Will and Guy's Top Twenty Selection of Clean Funny Jewish Jokes

  1. A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'
  2. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  3. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
  4. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.
  7. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  8. The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
  9. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back. Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
  10. Doctor: You'll live to be 60. Patient: I AM 60. Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
  11. A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me.'
  12. Patient: I have a ringing in my ears. Doctor: Don't answer.
  13. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says: 'Okay, let's get started.'
  14. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're worth it.
  15. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?  They want to.
  16. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is 'Not Now'.
  17. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
  18. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
  19. Did you hear about the vagrant who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' She replied, 'Force yourself.'
  20. What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Answer: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Morris was talking to his friend Sidney. 'Do you know,' he said, 'some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.'

Funny Jewish Thoughts On Marriage

Menachem, a Jewish businessman, warned his son, Moshe, against marrying a non-Jew. Moshe replied, 'But she's converting to Judaism.' 'It doesn't matter,' the old man said. 'A *shiksa will cause problems.' Moshe persisted.  After the wedding, Menachem called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. 'It's *Shabbos,' Moshe replied. Menachem was surprised, 'But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day.' 'I won't work anymore on Saturday,' Moshe insisted, 'because my wife wants us to go to *shul on Shabbos.' 'See,' Menachem retorted, 'I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems.' Footnotes: *Shiksa - a pejorative term, used mainly in North America, to describe a non-Jewish woman *Shul - synagogue *Shabbos - Jewish day of rest

Witty Jewish Short Jokes

  • How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper? They put them in the car.
  • Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the synagogue offices? They got away with over 2 thousand dollars in pledges.
  • Seen in the University of Texas student newspaper: Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate.  Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials: J.D.B. Signed, His Mother.
  • Jewish Telegram: Begin worrying. Details to follow.
  • The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack. He says, 'Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery.'
  • Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence.

4 International Businessmen

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner. Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!" Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!" Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!" They then all wait for the Jew to speak... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!" SABIC* (Saudi Basic Industries Corporation) is the only Muslim company in the Forbes 500 rich list.

Will and Guy's Five Favourite Jewish Funnies

  1. The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
  2. God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem
  3. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason
  4. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
  5. When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.- Henry Kissinger

A Jewish Christmas Smile

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbour's windows, Peter asks his father, 'Daddy, can we have a *Hanukkah Tree?' 'What? No, of course not,' says his father. 'Why not?' asks Peter again. Bewildered, his father replies, 'Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.' * A Hanukkah bush is a bush or, real or simulated, that some American and Canadian Jewish families display in their homes for the duration of Hanukkah.  It may, for all intents and purposes, be a Christmas tree [without any Christian ornaments].

A Jewish Prayer for the New Year

Dear Lord

May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynaecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.

May we all relax about the third millennium of the common era, and realize that we still have 239 years until the down of the sixth millennium of the Hebrew calendar by which time the computer will be long since obsolete and so will we.

May God give us the strength to get through this presidential campaign and may some of the promises made be kept. May we believe at least half of what the candidates propose and may those elected fulfil at least half of what they promise and may the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets.

May we be awestruck by God's sense of humour as we realize that a professional wrestler could have become president of the United States and that an Orthodox Jew has risen to prominence in American politics while remaining true to his Jewish roots. It is my belief that God's joyous humour is the reason he really does not want us to touch our toes while exercising or he would have put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them. May someone, as well as God, love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our cheque books and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others but not our boss, our intern, our nurse, our masseur, our hairdresser or our tennis instructor.

And may the Messiah come this year, and if he does not, may we live as if he has, in a world at peace, with awareness of God's love in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year.

Important Jewish Festivals

Rosh Hashanah Rosh Hashanah is the Hebrew for "beginning of the year", it marks the first day of the High Holidays or Yamim Noraim ("Days of Awe"). Yom Kippur Day of Attonement Yom Kippur is Jewish religious festival that starts at sunset on the evening of the 10th day of their civil new year (Tishrei 10). Hanakkah Festival of Lights Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday celebrated for eight days and nights. It starts on the 25th of the Jewish month of Kislev, which coincides with late November - late December on the secular calendar. Footnote: Please send us your funny Jewish jokes.

See examples of international jokes, humour and funny pictures ....

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