Never tell anyone that you're, going on a diet, exercising, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death. Lynn Johnston
- Dieting is a Weigh of Life
- Funny Diet Scales
- Diet Products that can be Bought in Japan
- Hot Diet News and Tips
- Funny Diet Jokes
- Floor Collapses During Weight Watchers' Weigh-in
- Funny Diet Diary
- It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
- The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
- The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
- An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.
The 'Onion Scales' - Step on it and it makes you cry
- Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?
- Is it true that a number of jokes about dieting can be referred to as 'a binge of jokes'?
- A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
- Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?
- Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.
- A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.
- List your ten favourite foods.
- List your five favourite drinks.
- List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls or little trees.
- List water.
- Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.
Mark Twain Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Funny Diet - One liners
- 'I'm in shape.' says Will. 'Round is a shape.'
- The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.
- What runs but never gets tired? Water.
Notice for Dieters Weight Watchers will meet at 7.30 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use large double-door at the side entrance.
Funny Slant on Eating Fruit and VegetablesFood of the Famous After listening to some bedtime stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, 'Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and vegetables.' Funny Diet 'My tummy is so big I'm embarrassed by it,' commented Will. 'Have you tried to diet?' 'Yes, but whatever colour I use, it still sticks out.'
Top Ten Best, Funny, Droll and Humorous Diet Tips from Will and Guy
- Don't take Will and Guy's humorous diet tips too seriously, they're just for fun. Success comes when you can look beyond food and look down and see your feet.
- Always stand sideways on for photographs, it's really slimming.
- Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible.
- Always eat in private, if people never see you eat, they'll believe you when you say you have a thyroid problem.
- Convince your friends into thinking how good you're looking; study and memorize your most flattering pose in a mirror and ensure when anyone sees you, you strike the pose. Problem is that you have to maintain the pose until they leave.
- Ladies: Cross your legs at your ankles. Your thighs and calves will look slimmer.
- Get a tan. A tan helps you look thinner.
- Regular daily laughs equals at least 10 minutes of exercise............................
- Inside Guy lives a skinny man trying to get out. But he can usually shut him up with chocolate chip cookies.
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
- Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
- All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit.
- Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
- Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.
- Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the
- If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
- All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
- Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
- If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
- Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.