Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?
Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: 'a binge
A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.
Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's
watching what other people eat.
Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.
However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have
no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but
don't eat them.
The most fattening thing that you can put in a
knickerbocker glory* is the spoon.
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of
a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
* Knickerbocker glory is Will and Guy's favourite ice cream sunday.
Wendy's Funny Diet
'My tummy is so big I'm embarrassed by
it,' commented Will.
'Have you tried to diet?' Asks Julie.
'Yes, but whatever colour I use, it still sticks out.'
Funny Diet Jokes
Eating Properly is Essential in
a Good Diet
Terry rushes into Doctor Sims's
surgery. He has a parsnip up one nostril, a courgette in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
'Doctor, Doctor,' Terry wails, 'I've got dreadfully sore ears and can hardly breathe! What's wrong
Doctor Sims looks at him for a few moments, shakes her head sorrowfully and answers, 'Terry, you're not eating properly.'
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A Generous Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing
the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.
progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they
found their error.
There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.
Funny Diet One-liners
'I'm in shape.' says Will. 'Round is a shape.'
The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.
What runs but never gets tired? Water.
Top Ten Best, Funny, Droll and Humorous Diet Tips from Will and Guy
Don't take Will and Guy's humorous diet tips too seriously, they're
just for fun. Success comes when you can look beyond food and look down
and see your feet.
Always stand sideways on for photographs, it's really slimming.
Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible.
Always eat in private, if people never see you eat, they'll believe
you when you say you have a thyroid problem.
Convince your friends into thinking how good you're looking; study
and memorize your most flattering pose in a mirror and ensure when
anyone sees you, you strike the pose. Problem is that you have to
maintain the pose until they leave.
Ladies: Cross your legs at your ankles. Your thighs and calves will
Get a tan. A ruddy complexion helps you look thinner.
Regular daily laughs equals at least 10 minutes of
Inside Guy lives a skinny man trying to get out. But he can usually
shut him up with chocolate chip cookies.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
More Funny Diet Jokes
Copy the Food of the Famous
After listening to some bedtime
stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, 'Snow White was poisoned by
an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to
Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and
Hilarious, Silly and Funny Diet Advice
A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories.
Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not
clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories
apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through
the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to
accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit.
Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free
when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with
a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to
and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If
not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to
"straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities,
which have no calories when eaten.
Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have
something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the
calories in the
If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the
other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First
of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on
Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms
a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to
the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible
if you're left-handed.
All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be
eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck,
Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's
Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on
frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories
to leak out the bottom.
If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count.
Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it,
you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of
the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
Government has Issued New Guidelines for a Healthy Diet
They advise you to:
List your ten favourite foods.
List your five favourite drinks.
List all green vegetables that look like
marsh grass, fur balls or little trees.
Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.
Dieting is a Weigh of Life
It's not the minutes spent at the table
that put on weight, it's the seconds.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people
An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.
Amusing Diet Scales
When You Know It's Time to Diet!
This site is full of helpful information that guides you how to eat and
practice in a healthy way. It shows how basically yet profoundly diet can
make a difference. Learn from this site, and you'll end up healthy and
confident both physically and mentally.
Then We Have The 'Onion Scales' - Step On The Mat, Look At the Dial, and
Droll Diet Stories
Collapses During Weight Watchers' Weigh-in
Just after Christmas 2009 19 members of Weight Watchers in Växjö, Sweden
lined up for their weigh in when they heard a bang as the floor came away
from the walls of their meeting room.
"We suddenly heard a huge thud - we almost thought it was an earthquake
and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the
room and along the walls" one of those present told the Sm√•landsposten
As the Weight Watchers abandoned the room so other parts of the floor
started to give way. Undaunted as no-one was injured, the club member
continued their weigh-in in the hallway.
Even Animals End Up on a Diet
and overweight animals in a South Korean zoo will be put on a diet after almost ten years of eating processed foods. Animals at the Seoul Grand Park Zoo had been eating more than the normal amount of food
intake per day so the animal management have decided to increase amount of their natural food intake and decrease the processed foods.
Park Seon-Deok, a member of the animal management team said, 'Feeding
the animals according to the 1998 guidelines made the animals overweight. Horses, for example, like processed food better than grass, which is what they would be eating in the wild.'
Will's Funny Diet Limerick
Along comes another new diet.
And of course Will just has to try it.
So he parts with his dough,
But the pounds never go;
'Oh dear wife,
more chicken - and fry it.'
Please send us your thought funny diet