Funny Crime Stories

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of dumb criminals and inept robbers from
around the world.

• Dutch Bungling Burglar
• Another Chimney Burglar
• The World Stops for Michael Douglas
• Bungling Burglar in Germany
• Twenty Things Your Burglar Won’t Tell You
• Burglar in Slough, England
• Five More Funny Crime Stories
• Funny Crime Stories About Phones

Dutch Bungling Burglar

A burglar was caught after he fell down a chimney while escaping over the roof of a house he had just broken into. Police in Maastricht, Holland, arrested the 33-year-old after being called out by the house
owners who heard his calls for help. The man had tried to flee out of a roof window with his booty of cash and jewellery, but tumbled in the dark and got stuck inside the chimney.

Another Bungled Chimney Burglar

A burglar who got stuck in a chimney while trying to break in to a Los Angeles home has been jailed for two years. Bungling
burglar Marco Antonio Espinoza was also ordered to pay the owners of the house more than £5,000 [$9,993.20 USD] to repair the damage done when fire fighters freed him.

When he was caught, he told the police
that he was doing building work on the house.

A ‘would be’ robber had to drop his bank looting plans after he forgot to take with him a bag into which the stolen money could be put.

Apparently,
the young man in his 20’s, entered a local Chase Bank branch early on Monday morning and passed the cashier a piece of cardboard on which was written ‘Give me your money,’ reported the Detroit News.

He told
the bank teller to ‘hurry up,’ but when she asked him if he had a bag to put the money into he became flustered and confused and ran off without the cash.

More Funny Crime Stories

Bungling Burglar in Germany

A man in Mainz, Germany, apparently inebriated, was arrested after he attempted to hold up a bank armed with…………… a water pistol and a potato peeler. Police say that the man, identified as
52-year-old Walter Schoegl, had a stocking over his head and was waving the potato peeler as he demanded cash. He left with nothing after the bank teller told him that they had run out of money.

When he was
arrested a some five minutes later he was still wearing the stocking on his head.

The World Stops for Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones – Nearly

Mirna
heard a rumour that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, who are currently cruising the Adriatic on a luxury yacht, were walking around the streets of her home town. She immediately grabbed her camera
and hot-footed it out of her office; her job was in a Bureau de Change. She forgot to lock the doors.

In the short time she was away from her work the bureau was emptied of several thousands of pound in a
variety of currencies.

Footnote:
In cricketing circles they often say when Freddy Flintoff walks out to bat he clears the bars; well wags are now saying, ‘When Michael
Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones walk out in town, they clear the shops.’

Burglar in
Slough, England

A suspected burglar put in handcuffs after his arrest, attacked a woman police officer and then escaped by driving off in her car.  The female officer was driving the man to Slough police station when he
forcibly took control of the car.

The man, one of three arrested on suspicion of burglary, dumped the car in Keel Drive about six minutes away. The suspect is described as Asian, in his mid 20s and
about 5ft 8in tall. He may still be wearing handcuffs.

A police spokesperson said, ‘This is a serious incident which could have led to the officer and members of the public being seriously hurt.
Thankfully, neither was injured, ‘I would appeal to anyone who knows the whereabouts of this bungling burglar to contact us immediately.’

See more funny crime stories.

Twenty Things Your
Burglar Won’t Tell You

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week
   cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new
   refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when
   I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched
   the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste
   … and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your
   kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they
   have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on
   the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see
   how long it takes you to remove it.
5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a
   neighbour to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in
   the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front
   entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I
   can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over
   the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the
   master bedroom-and your jewellery. It’s not a bad idea to put motion
   detectors up there too.
8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella,
   and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I
   don’t take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for
   directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. [Don’t take me up
   on it.]
10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock
    drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the
    medicine cabinet.
11. Helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.
12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break
    into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted
    down, I’ll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than
    the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while
    you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and
    simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at
    faketv.com.)
14. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I
    dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look
    like a crook.
15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy
    neighbours.
16. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a
    little noise. If your neighbour hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what
    he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll
    just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.
17. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all
    that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting
    it?
18. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for
    signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d
    like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighbourhood at night, before you
    close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your social
    networking site. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.
20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day
    is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

One more for luck:
If you don’t answer when I knock,
I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

This alternative, droll, useful and witty look at burglars was kindly
sent in by Dave Foley, MBE.

Five More Hilarious, Witty, Short and True Funny Crime Stories from Will and
Guy

1. A man went into a drug store in Baltimore, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a “Hefty-bag” face mask over his head. He then and
realised that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. He was arrested by
security men.

2. A Belgium news agency reported, last year, that a man suspected of
robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he
was busy breaking into a school at the same time.
Police then arrested
him for breaking into the school.

3. Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the
front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their
truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home… With the chain
still attached to the machine… With their bumper still attached to
the chain… With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to
the bumper. You couldn’t make it up!

4. When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s
sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he’d ever had.

5. Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the
thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the
car and face the victim for an ID.

The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, ‘Yeah, that’s the
woman I robbed.’

A Banana?

Funny Crime Stories About
Phones

Phone a Bungling Burglar

A bungling burglar in the USA has been arrested after he left his mobile
phone on charge at the house of one of his victims. The man was disturbed
while rifling through rooms in the house in Washington DC and jumped out of
a window to escape Will and Guy have learned.

Police searched the house later and were surprised to find a cell phone,
that didn’t belong to anyone at the house, charging in a socket.

Officers called one of the numbers in his contacts, told them the phone
owner had been involved in an accident and asked for his name. That led to
the 25 year old man being arrested and later charged with ten burglaries.

Another Funny Bungling Burglar Phone Tale

Robbers broke into the Telefonica Movistar cell-phone store in Morelia,
Mexico recently with the aim of stealing some mobile phones.

In their haste to get away they grabbed the first ‘phones that came to
hand – hollow replicas, used normally for display purposes only.

Employees explained to Will and Guy that the bungling burglars overlooked
real cell phones and cash in another part of the shop.

Best Witty, Droll and Funny Inept Robber Story

A 26-year-old man from Riverton, Wyoming, USA allegedly fled from a
grocery store with a stolen bottle of Schnapps and a packet of cough sweets
before hiding from the authorities in a nearby building. Only the nearby
building happened to be the local Police Station. We couldn’t make it up say
Will and Guy.

According to our contact, officers say the man was shocked to realise he
had accidentally sought solace in a police station and tried to run from the
office. However, he had already been spotted on CCTV footage.  The man,
who was reportedly drunk, was soon apprehended and taken into custody on
preliminary charges of resisting arrest and shoplifting.

Yet Another Clumsy Criminal Tale

A burglar from Colorado, USA, has been arrested after being identified by
his distinctive facial tattoo.

Gadzooks, what a surprise!

Footnote
Please send us your funny crime story.