Funny Bus Driver Jokes

On this page we have an assortment: true stories about drunks, also a mixture of funny but clean jokes featuring drunks and barmen.

• True Bus Driver Story
• Peanuts
• Big Eric and The Bus Driver
• Funny Bus Pictures
• Funny Notices on a Dublin Bus
• Chicago Newspaper Story

True Bus Driver Story - The Drunk

Will and Guy have an old friend called Dave Barker who lives in Portsmouth, Hampshire.  In recent years Dave has turned his hand to driving buses.

One Friday an inebriated man got on Dave's
double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck
close to Dave.  Now, Dave is not meant to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.

The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. 'The air is
cleaner up there and you'll get a much better view.'
The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. 'What's
wrong?'
Dave asked. 'Don't
you like it better up there?'

'It's
fine', the drunk said. 'But it's

too dangerous: There's
no driver'.

Next Stop
At the next stop two more drunks got onto a bus. The first, name of Bill, asks 'Will this bus take me to 25th Street?'

The bus driver says, 'No, it won't.'

After a pause, the second man, name of Gerry, inquires, 'What about me?'

Footnote
One day, perhaps we will tell the full story of Dave, the asthma attack and the breathalyzer, but for now I leave the details to your imagination.

See more drunk jokes here

Peanuts

Dave, our bus
driver friend, tells the story of when he was driving a bus load pensioners to Brighton, on a day trip, when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.  She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he
happily took and ate.  After about 20 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and she handed him another handful of peanuts.  The old dear repeated this generous gesture several more times.  When she is
about to hand him another batch again he decided to ask the little old lady, 'Why don't
you and your friends eat the peanuts yourself?'
.

'We can't
chew them because We've no teeth', she answered.

Dave was puzzled and enquired, 'Then why on earth do you buy them?'

'Oh, we just love the chocolate around them', replied the old lady.

Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in
his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at
the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay', and took his seat.
Dave was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.

This
happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little
angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to
the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be
frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had
strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric
got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , he barked; but this time Dave was prepared
for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth,
'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'

'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass', the man replied.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny bus driver stories.

Classic Bus Driver Joke

The driver was just about to press the button to close the doors, 'Is
everyone aboard the bus?' asked Dave the driver. 'No,' called Mavis, 'please
wait until I get my clothes on.'

Well, all the passengers turned their heads towards the door.  What
they saw surprised them, a young woman was wrestling a bag full of laundry
up the bus steps.

Rope a Dope?

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope, 'Hey! We don't
serve ropes in here.'
So one of the ropes left.

The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.

The bartender
said to the rope, 'Are you a rope?'
and the rope said, 'I'm afraid not'.

Footnote

Guy had to read the joke three times before I got it.
I'm a frayed knot!  The only reason that I persevered is that I trust Will to deliver quality jokes.  I guess you get two dopes for the price of one with this funny.

Not a Bus Joke, But a Taxi
Driver Yarn

A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked.  Sachin, the Indian cab
driver made no attempt to drive off.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing
then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to
myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

See more taxi driver jokes.

Chicago Newspaper Story

When two service station
attendants in Chicago, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.  They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Trees Get Fresh

The Highway Patrol car pulls over a bus on a lonely back road and
approaches the driver. 'Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the
road?'

The driver replies, 'Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had
an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to
the right and there was another tree in front of me.'

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
says, 'Sir, that's your air freshener.'

Chinese Bus Company Chooses Innovative Way
To Slow Down Their Drivers

An omnibus company in China has launched a new "drive safely" campaign,
by hanging big bowls of water next to their drivers.  The Longxiang
Public Bus Company in Changsha, Hunan province, says drivers must drive
gently to avoid spilling any water.  Bus drivers are expected to ensure
the bowls are still full when they finish their shift Will and Guy have
discovered.

The company warns drivers that CCTV footage will be studied to make sure
they do not top up the bowls with water.

We have learned that, 'Passengers often complain that sudden braking and
bad driving makes them really uncomfortable on the buses,' from a spokesman
of the company.  'So by hanging bowls of water in the driver's cab will
discourage them from making any jolting starts, sudden braking or bad
turns.'

Will and Guy would like to see this idea introduced into the UK.

See more funny bus
stories »

Footnote:
Please send us your funny bus driver jokes.