Drinking Jokes - Funny Jokes

A Beer Drinker’s Guide to Fault Finding – CAMRA Guide

‘Giving up drinking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.’ – Mark Twain

Beer Testing!

George and Harold, two elderly gentlemen well into their 80s, often would sit on a bench in front of ‘Dermot’s Hair Cuts’ discussing current affairs,
debating political issues, and chatting about life in general. Among their favorite concerns was which of the local brands of beer was the best. George has his favorite, while Harold has a preference for a different brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, Dermot, the barber, in front of whose shop the men sat suggests, ‘There is a way you can resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don’t you send samples of each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where they can test them and determine which is the better quality of the two.’

George and Harold decide this suggestion is appealing, and so they walk across the street to the Last Chance saloon and ask the bartender to find two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them up for delivery to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager to read the test results, George and Harold hurry over to their favorite bench in front of the barbershop and open the envelope. Inside is a letter which reads, ‘Gentlemen: Thank you for submitting the two specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under testing. We conclude that both horses are in the best of health.’

Drinkers’ Guide

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer. – Abraham Lincoln

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry

[I recommend]…bread, meat, vegetables and beer. Sophocles’ philosophy of a moderate diet

I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. – Shakespeare in Henry V

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. – John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer. – Confucius

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm

Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. – Frank Zappa

Bull’s Eye

We had a stag party in a bar, I was drinking & invited to play darts. ‘I don’t play darts’

‘Play anyway’ they said so I did. After throwing badly including losing over & over…this final game I was a few more beers into it, throwing bull eyes with the 1st & 2nd darts, everyone was off their bar stools watching the 3 darts thrown. It hits, Sparks fling…all eyes are following it as it falls to the floor below…it’s lit up spinning in sparks…comes to rest and everyone is in Awwwhh, big-eyed, silent or saying Look at that, what the heck!!

A moment…then big laughs from me as I go to pick it up, I hold it up saying, ‘Oh, I throw my cigarette’. Everyone grumbled and walked away & I was never asked to play darts since.

Wisconsinittes (Cindy)

Beer Map or Beer Mat!

Doctor’s Funny advice on drinking

Here is advice that Will received from his doctor see below for more details.

Doctor’s Advice – Only One Glass a Day

Sometimes your doctor’s advice is hard to swallow – but not on this occasion.

Will’s Doctor says: Only 1 glass of alcohol a day. I like Will’s choice of a glass – stylish.

I can honestly say that I have never seen such a big glass, I wonder if you can get a set of six or even two?

Will’s drinks cabinet is famous. He calls it ‘Foley’. The reason that we have a friend who answers to that name, he’s short fat, and full of booze.

Guy’s cabinet is more a Barker. Barker is another friend who is long and thin and rarely contains any booze – at least these days.

For once, none of these names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Further Drinking Research

A Liquid Lunch?

More Funny Drinking Advice

Wait Until You Get Home:

Men caught drinking alcohol by their wives in an Indian village are now being slapped across the face by their wives’ slippers.

A committee of women at Japalli, in Andhra Pradesh, introduced the punishment in a bid to ‘curb the menace of liquor’, reports the Press Trust of India.

Any married man discovered drinking will be hauled up before village elders and slapped five times with his wife’s

leather slipper in front of residents. They will also be fined the equivalent of £64. The fines will be handed over to the offenders’ wives to spend as they see fit.

The women decided on the tough new measures after their attempts to close local liquor stores failed.

Drinking Lesson

Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.

‘All right, son’, asked Will, ‘what does that show you?’

‘Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.’

Going on Tilt?

What’s Your Poison?

In Queensland, Australia, a lifeguard decided that he needed a drink while he was working, so he went to the clubhouse and drank some ‘lemonade’ from a bottle. The lemonade was a sample bottle filled with the tentacles of the deadly box jellyfish. The lifeguard survived, just!

A Tale of Friendship

Terry Markland and his friend Ken Stokes left the Royal Navy in 1993 after several years of serving together. They were well used to having a glass or two of ale together at the end of a long working day. On leaving the RN, Terry went to live in Plymouth and his friend returned to his home area of Newcastle. They promised each other that whenever they went out for a beer they would order two pints at a time as a way of remembering their friendship.

Terry drank for many years in The Star in Plymouth and each day at 1800 hours he would order and drink 2 pints of bitter. Dermot, the landlord, commented to Terry on this practice and Terry naturally told him the story. This went on for some 13 years, every day.

Last week Terry entered The Star and only ordered one pint of bitter.

Shocked and a trifle worried and anxious, Dermot enquired whether Ken had passed away hence no need for the second pint.

‘Oh no, ‘replied Terry, ‘I’ve given up drinking.’

Careful what you drink

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? – WC Fields

Drink Lay Down, or Lay Down Drink?

Drinking or Yoga?

Which do you prefer? Drinking or Yoga

Try a Little Group Therapy.

Low Alcohol Wine?

Funny Bartender Stories

The English call a bartender a barman. Just for once, I believe that the Americans have the better word. A bartender is a much more expressive word than barman or barperson. In many ways, a bartender is a word ahead of its time, in that it’s gender neutral.

Will and Guy have made a special study of bartenders and we believe that Ireland has the best supply of story-telling bartenders. Here are some of the best bartender stories that we have collected.

The Drinks Are On Me

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.’

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, ‘I haven’t got it.’

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times and then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.’

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, ‘I haven’t got it.’

The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says [with a drunken slur], ‘Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill.’

In disgust, the bartender says, ‘What, no drink for me this time?’

The drunk replies, ‘You! No Way! You get too violent when you drink.’

Lecture Tour With A Difference

After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Roger grimly.

Bird Waiter

Raffle Winner

‘Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?’ asked the parish priest.

‘Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.’

‘But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O’Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don’t drink.’

‘Dat’s what I mean, Father…’

Meet The Wife

Mike, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him hard. Mike immediately apologized and explained, ‘Look, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.’

‘Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!’ she bellowed at the top of her voice. ‘Funny,’ Mike muttered, shaking his head, ‘You even sound exactly like her.’

Classic Barman Joke

Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.

‘I’m warning you,’ said the barman, ‘That I come from Tralee in Kerry myself.’

‘Dat’s alright,’ said Donncha, ‘I’ll tell it slowly.’

Another Bartender Joke

George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, ‘What’ll you have?’

Hillbilly answers, ‘Ah, I’ll have a scotch, please.’

George hands him the drink, and says, ‘That’ll be $7.60,’ to which the Hillbilly splutters, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’

Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, ‘You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’

George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, ‘OK, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me ever catch you in here again.’

The next day, the Hillbilly again walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, ‘What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back! ‘The Hillbilly smiles and says, ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!’

George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, ‘I’m sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. ‘The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, ‘Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch.’

A Man, His Giraffe, and the Barman

A fellow walks into a bar with a giraffe and they sit down on two stools at the front and the guy says to the barman, “Two beers please barman.”

The barman pours them two beers and the giraffe grabs his and drinks it down in one go and his mate follows suit. The guy then says again, “Another two beers please barman.” The bartender pours two more beers and once again the giraffe necks and his friend does likewise. This goes on for a fair while with the giraffe and his companion downing beer after beer after beer.

The two have had about 17 beers each when the guy looks over at the giraffe who is starting to wobble on his stool …. his wobbling gets worse and worse and eventually, he just passes out and falls backward off the stool onto the floor.

The guy looks at him and then gets up off his stool and starts walking out of the bar.

The barman then yells at the guy as he is leaving, “OY…you can’t leave that lyin’ there.”

The man looks at the giraffe and then replies, “That’s not a lion that’s a giraffe,” and walks out.

Another Boozer Story – Truly Amazing Beer Drinking Feat

Man Spends Thousands of Pounds on Beer

A man has had a drink at his 45,000th pub in Great Britain. Bruce Masters from Bedfordshire, England started visiting pubs in 1960 and has since drunk more than 25,000 pints of ale, traveling around one million miles across Great Britain.

‘Amazing!’ comment Will and Guy. ‘The cost of all those pints must run into the thousands of pounds.’

However, Mr Masters informed us that, ‘There are still a great many pubs I have not been to. If something is worth doing, it is worth doing properly.’

Mr Masters keeps a record of all the pubs he has entered on his computer. The list includes bars at airports and on trains.

When we asked whether his wife minds his fascination with pubs, Bruce replied, ‘She does not begrudge me doing this. She just prefers to stay at
home.’

His most recent visit was to the “Hole in the Wall” pub in Portsmouth which is only a stone’s throw from Will’s local: Duke of Buckingham

Funny Beer Ads, Quotations, and Trivia

Funny Beer Quotations

Random examples of beer quotations brought to you by Will and Guy for your amusement:

Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. – Anonymous
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henry Youngman
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. – Robert Benchley
Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. – Harold Rudolph
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the ‘honey month’ – or what we know today as the ‘honeymoon’.
Do you know what alcoholics call New Year’s Eve? Amateur night. – Elmore Leonard
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. – Stephen Wright

Hormones in Beer

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Oestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional
Couldn’t drive.
Failed to think rationally, and
Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Funny Beer Jokes

Funny Beer Picture – Grolsch Disaster

There have been some terrible road accidents, but this beer disaster must be one of the most exasperating.

Wait a minute in this funny beer pic can I see some intact bottles of Grolsch beer in the second crate from the front? Does anyone have a 10-20 on this Big-R?

Another Ugley Beer Accident

Isn’t it funny how history repeats itself? In February 2009, over three hundred aluminum beer kegs fell off a lorry, and the resulting mayhem caused the police to close the M11 motorway.

While it is true that the accident happened just outside the village of Ugley in Essex, England, the rumor that beer was lapped up in half an hour by a passing busload of Irish rugby fans, is not true. It took them 4 hours.

Classic Funny Beer Pictures – Wish You Were Here!

Beer and Booze Jokes

An Australian touring rugby team was being driven through Dublin in a bus. The driver was giving a running commentary as they went. ‘We are just passing the biggest pub in Dublin’, said the driver.

‘Why?’ A voice piped up from the back of the bus.

A Wife Sends Her Husband to a Grocery Store:

“And don’t forget to buy the milk, do you hear me?!”
“I hear you…”

“And take the low-fat one, don’t mix up!”
“Take it easy, I won’t…”

“And don’t buy wine instead, like you did the last time, do you remember?!”
“Of course I remember…”

“And no beer, like the time before that, understand?!”
“I do, I do….”

“Well, go then!”… Ten minutes later in the grocery store:

“What did she tell me to buy – was it wine or beer? Oh, well, I’ll better take both, just in case.”

Guy’s Chandelier

Will’s Chandelier

Will Drives Rest to Bottle Bank

Guy is in there somewhere!

Out With the Glass Bottles – In With the Can of Larger

But….. Don’t Drink and Drive

Runaway Beer

Paradise Gained or Paradise Lost?

Several runaway barrels caused mayhem after a brewery dray dropped its load in a quiet Somerset village. About 100 metal kegs, barrels, and bottles rolled into gardens in Pecking Mill, near Shepton Mallet, battering flower displays and spraying beer over nearby homes.

The accident is thought to have caused damage worth thousands of pounds and left residents in shock. The 14-metre articulated lorry toppled while taking a sharp bend on the A371, a stretch of road known locally as an accident black spot.

Assorted Drinking Jokes

My wife drives me to drink. You’re lucky, mine makes me walk.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is the gym the new Après-Ski?
I drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan.

Drinking Lesson

‘All right, son’, asked Will, ‘what does that show you?’

‘Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.’

Start Drinking Young – Funny Beer Pics

Son Soon Learns the Taste for Beer

Funny Beer Pictures – 4 Stages of a Drinker’s Life

Did You Know?

In the Middle Ages in the UK, “nunchion” was the word for liquid lunches. It probably originated from a combination of the words “noon scheken”, or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, [nuncheon] you had what we
still today call a luncheon.

Solar Beer Power

A Chinese farmer has made his solar-powered water heater out of beer bottles and hosepipes.

‘I invented this for my mother. I wanted her to shower comfortably,’ says Ma Yanjun, of Qiqiao village, Shaanxi province. Ma’s invention features 66 beer bottles attached to a board. The bottles are connected so that water flows through them.

Sunlight heats the water as it passes slowly through the bottles before flowing into the bathroom as hot water, reports China Economy Network. Ma says it provides enough hot water for all three members of his family to have a shower every day. More than 10 families in the village have already followed suit and installed their versions of Ma’s invention.

Funny Beer Trivia

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them. – Anon

Ten Funny Fascinating Trivia and About Drinking in The USA

Christopher Columbus brought Sherry on his voyage to the New World.
Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.
The national anthem of the United States “The Star Spangled Banner,” was written to the tune of a drinking song.
Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.
Bourbon takes its name from Bourbon County in Kentucky.
The first recruiting station of the US Marines was a bar.
It is estimated that there are 49 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne.
It is illegal to feed alcohol to Moose in Alaska and fish in Ohio.
Beer, selling in bottles, began in 1850 and cans in 1935.
The USA has the highest minimum drinking age in the entire world.

Amusing Beer Fact

You’ll be delighted to know, readers that beer does not make you fat. Will and Guy have discovered that it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and people.

Ten More Drinking and Beer Trivia

The world’s oldest-known recipe – is for beer!
Distilled spirits such as brandy, gin, rum, and tequila, contain no carbohydrates, no fats, and no cholesterol of any kind.
The word ‘toast,’ which means wishing for good health originated in ancient Rome where a piece of toasted bread was dropped into wine.
Most people think that drinking alcohol raises the body temperature. Alcohol lowers the body temperature.
During the reign of William III, a garden fountain was once used as a giant punch bowl. The recipe included 560 gallons of brandy, 1200 pounds of sugar, 25,000 lemons, 20 gallons of lime juice, and five pounds of nutmeg. The bartender rowed around in a small boat, filling up guests’ punch cups.
Methyphobia is a fear of alcohol.
In England, in days gone by, a whistle was baked into the rim or handle of ceramic cups used by pub patrons. When they wanted a refill, they used the whistle to get service. So when people went drinking, they would “wet their whistle.”
It’s impossible to create a beverage of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone.
British men have been found twice as likely to know the price of their beer as their partner’s bra size. A poll reported in Britain’s Prima magazine found that 77% of males knew how much their beer costs but only 38% knew the correct size of their mate’s bra.
Most vegetables and almost all fruits contain a small amount of alcohol in them.

Funny Beer Drinking Story

Beer Consumption Aids Dutch Independence: How the Dutch Won Their Independence from Spain

The Dutch drank their way to victory and independence from Spain in 1648 through the taxes they paid on beer, according to a report in the Journal of American Association of Wine Economists, Will and Guy reveal.

Economists Koen Deconinck of the University of Leuven and Johann Swinnen of Stanford University, USA, wrote that taxes on beer ‘played a crucial role in financing the revolt … (and) were the single largest revenue source’ for the outnumbered and outgunned Dutch, who were facing ‘the mightiest empire on earth.’ [Spain at this specific time].

Since beer was safer to drink than water, cheaper to buy than wine, and not as easily spoiled as milk, it was the drink of choice for many Dutchmen.

In his book, “Beer in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance,” Robert Unger estimated that by the year 1600 per capita consumption of beer in Holland ranged from 400 liters to 600 liters (106 gallons-159 gallons).

As the Dutch revolt dragged on for 80 years, taxes on beer were increased until it became Holland’s largest source of income. The levies were
collected through a method “resembling the VAT system in use in many European countries … (and it) allowed them to outlast the Spanish,”
Deconinck and Swinnen wrote.

At their peak, they estimated, war costs represented 11 percent of Dutch gross domestic product. To put this in perspective, we have discovered that The Congressional Research Service estimated that at its peak, the Iraq war represented 1 percent of U.S. GDP.

Spain, financing its war with Holland largely with taxes on gold and silver mined at colonies in the New World spent roughly 6 percent of its
GDP, Deconinck estimated.

Unable to pay its troops for months at a time and facing almost annual mutinies, Spain signed the Treaty of Munster in 1648, officially recognizing the Dutch Republic and ceding the land north of Flanders to the rebels. The Dutch were also allowed to keep their overseas possessions and their monopoly over the East Indies trade, which they acquired during the revolt.

The treaty set the boundaries that still divide Belgium from the Netherlands. An interesting and remarkable beer-drinking story.

Another Tranche of Funny Beer Trivia

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to:
Mind their pints and quarts and settle down. This is where we get the phrase: ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’.
The three most common pub names in the UK are The Red Lion; The Crown; and The Royal Oak. It is a sad fact, say, Will and Guy, that as pubs are taken over more and more by the conglomerates pub signs are diminishing and pubs are getting generic names like ‘The Slug and Lettuce’ which is a large chain.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool *grogram coats he wore. The term ‘grog’ soon began to mean the watered-down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were ‘groggy’, a word still in use today.* Grogram: A coarse, often stiffened fabric made of silk, mohair, wool, or a blend of them.
A beer lover or enthusiast is called a Cerevisaphile.
Collecting beer mats is called tegestology.
The oldest brewery in the United States is supposedly Yuengling in Pottsville, Pennsylvania – founded in 1829.
Beer Ads on television started in the 1940s. One of the first cheeky/funny beer ads was Carling’s: ‘Hey Mabel–Black Label’. The ad ran for 20 years from 1951 at the end of the advert the barmaid winked at the audience as she responded to: ‘Hey Mabel–Black Label’.
The smallest pub in Britain is claimed by three pubs: The Nutshell, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk; The Lakeside Inn, Southport, Merseyside; and The Smiths Arms, Godmanstone, Dorset.
In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coca-Cola, so we are led to believe.
In Norse mythology, a warrior who died in battle would go to Valhalla and be entitled to drink as much beer as he desired.
The longest pub name in the UK is ‘The Old Thirteenth Cheshire Astley Volunteer Rifleman Corps Inn’, Stalybridge, Manchester.
The highest pub in Britain is Tan Hill Inn, North Yorkshire at 1,732 feet above sea level.
There is a disagreement as to which is the oldest pub in Britain. It is between these 3:1) Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem, Nottingham 1189 2) The Old Ferry Boat, St Ives, Cambridgeshire possibly 10th century 3) Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, St Albans possibly 11th century.
Here is the pub sign for the Barrel O’Beer pub which can be found in the town of Beer in Devon, England. Cheers!
Before the invention of thermometers, the brewer tested the *wort by placing his thumb in it. When he could reliably place his thumb in the wort without having to remove it because of the heat, the wort was cool enough to pitch the yeast. Hence tone reason for the expression ‘rule of thumb’. Wort is the liquid extracted from the mashing process during the brewing of beer or whisky. Wort contains the sugars that will be fermented by the brewing yeast to produce alcohol.

Two Items of Food Beer Trivia

Beer Ravioli: Tasty

Beer-loving Mark Zable creates the snack by putting beer inside the dough and dunking it in hot oil for just 20 seconds.

This means that when diners bite into the pretzel-like dough it mixes with the beer in what is claimed to be a delicious taste sensation. Yummy
declares Will.

Mr. Zable said it had taken him three years to concoct the cooking method and he refused to reveal to us if any secret recipes were involved.

His deep-fried beer will be officially introduced in September 2010, and the Texas Alcoholic Commission has said people need to be aged 21 to buy it.

Mr. Zable originally used Guinness in the ravioli-type pasta but has said he may switch to paler ale. He commented to Will and Guy, ‘Nobody has been able to fry a liquid before. It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of beer.’

We learned that Mr Zable has previously invented dishes including chocolate-covered strawberry waffle balls and jalapeño corndog shrimps.
Tasty stuff says Guy.

For Desert: Beer Trifle!

McVeigh grabs a clutch of beers from an ice bucket in the kitchen. He enjoys “weaving extreme beers” into the picnic-style meal, opening with Oude Geuze Boon, a Belgian Lambic beer produced by spontaneous fermentation – the closest a beer comes to champagne, according to McVeigh. A liquoricey Great Divide Oak Aged Yeti Imperial Stout (9.5 percent) and Sierra Nevada Southern Hemisphere Harvest Ale (6.7 percent) follow.

There’s even a “beer” eau de vie to match the pudding: a clear, hop-distilled Bertrand Fleur de Biere (40 percent), which is poured reverentially into thimble-sized glasses as Harris kneels to serve the magnificent trifle from a huge conical glass bowl. The children down playthings and form a disorderly queue, bowls in outstretched hands. It’s a treasure trove of a dessert that has guests guessing the ingredients: white-wine vanilla sauce, roasted apricots, red fruit jellies, “beer” and pink praline sprinkles.

Guy has yet to master these recipes, ‘bur ist fun twying! ……’

More Funny Drinking Jokes

Here we have an assortment of true stories about drunks, also a mixture of funny but clean jokes featuring drunks and barmen.

True Bus Driver Story – The Drunk

Will and Guy have an old friend called Dave Barker who lives in Portsmouth, Hampshire. In recent years Dave has turned his hand to driving buses.

One Friday an inebriated man got on Dave’s double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck close to Dave. Now, Dave is not meant to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.

The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. ‘The air is cleaner up there and you’ll get a much better view.’ The man agreed but returned a few minutes later. ‘What’s wrong?’ Dave asked. ‘Don’t you like it better up there?’

‘It’s fine’, the drunk said. ‘But it’s too dangerous: There’s no driver’.

Next Stop

At the next stop, two more drunks got onto a bus. The first, name of Bill, asks ‘Will this bus take me to 25th Street?’

The bus driver says, ‘No, it won’t.’ After a pause, the second man, with the name of Gerry, inquires, ‘What about me?’

Footnote: One day, perhaps we will tell the full story of Dave, the asthma attack, and the breathalyzer, but for now, I leave the details to your imagination.

Peanuts

Dave, our bus driver friend, tells the story of when he was driving a busload of pensioners to Brighton, on a day trip, when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he happily took and ate. After about 20 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and she handed him another handful of peanuts. The old dear repeated this generous gesture several more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he decides to ask the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you and your friends eat the peanuts yourself?’.

‘We can’t chew them because We’ve no teeth’, she answered.

Dave was puzzled and enquired, ‘Then why on earth do you buy them?’

‘Oh, we just love the chocolate around them’, replied the old lady.

Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was on his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, ‘Big Eric doesn’t pay’, and took his seat. Dave was only a little man and he didn’t want to argue.

This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course in bodybuilding. He didn’t want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. ‘Big Eric doesn’t pay’, he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, ‘Oh, yeah? And why doesn’t Big Eric pay?’

‘Because Big Eric has got a bus pass’, the man replied.

Classic Bus Driver Joke

The driver was just about to press the button to close the doors, ‘Is everyone aboard the bus?’ asked Dave the driver. ‘No,’ called Mavis, ‘please
wait until I get my clothes on.’

Well, all the passengers turned their heads towards the door. What they saw surprised them, a young woman was wrestling with a bag full of laundry up the bus steps.

Rope a Dope?

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope, ‘Hey! We don’t serve ropes in here.’ So one of the ropes left.

The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.

The bartender said to the rope, ‘Are you a rope?’ and the rope said, ‘I’m afraid not’.

Footnote: Guy had to read the joke three times before I got it. I’m a frayed knot! The only reason that I persevered is that I trust Will to deliver quality jokes. I guess you get two dopes for the price of one with this funny.

Did You Know?

Mickey Finn was a bartender who worked in Chicago, USA, around the turn of the 19th century. He served drinks designed to ‘knock’ people out,
possibly containing *chloral hydrate, so that they could be robbed. *A sedative and hypnotic drug

Not a Bus Joke, But a Taxi Driver Yarn

A drunk woman leaped into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian cab driver did not attempt to drive off.

“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…”

“Well, if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!”

Chicago Newspaper Story

When two service station attendants in Chicago, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Trees Get Fresh

The Highway Patrol car pulls over a bus on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. ‘Sir, is there a reason you’re weaving all over the
road?’

The driver replies, ‘Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me.’

Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, ‘Sir, that’s your air freshener.’

Chinese Bus Company Chooses Innovative Way To Slow Down Their Drivers

An omnibus company in China has launched a new “drive safely” campaign, by hanging big bowls of water next to their drivers. The Longxiang Public Bus Company in Changsha, Hunan province, says drivers must drive gently to avoid spilling any water. Bus drivers are expected to ensure the bowls are still full when they finish their shift Will and Guy have discovered.

The company warns drivers that CCTV footage will be studied to make sure they do not top up the bowls with water.

We have learned that ‘Passengers often complain that sudden braking and bad driving makes them uncomfortable on the buses,’ from a spokesman of the company. ‘So hanging bowls of water in the driver’s cab will discourage them from making any jolting starts, sudden braking, or bad turns.’

Will and Guy would like to see this idea introduced into the UK.

Funny Drink Jokes

Here is our collection of humor featuring boozers, both people and places where people like to enjoy a drink.

Funny Quotations About Drink

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston’s reply.
Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman.
He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato.
He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan Ertz
One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy Astor
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: Benjamin Franklin.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on: Dean Martin.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind Humphrey Bogart.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine: David Moulton.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer: Frank Zappa.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut: Ernest Hemmingway.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me: Winston Churchill.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan.
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism: Norman Brenner
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle: Henny Youngman
Two things will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink: Booth Tarkington
See more funny quotations.

New Drink? – Crazy Drink Humour

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of Less, please?’ I’m sorry sir, ‘the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, ‘I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?’

‘I’ve no idea, ‘replies the guy, ‘The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.’

Naked Man Arrested for Shouting at Trees

A German man has been arrested after a marriage guidance counselor advised him to run around naked shouting at trees.

Dieter Braun, 43, from Recklinghausen, said the stress release technique had worked perfectly until he was arrested.

He told police that venting his anger on the trees had stopped him shouting at his wife.

‘If I didn’t go to the woods and scream at the trees then my marriage would probably be over, ‘he said.

He added taking his clothes off at the same time made him feel more relaxed.

‘For me, it’s a type of relaxation therapy. Feeling the breeze on my naked skin calms me down.’

But local police said other visitors to the forest did not find his behavior relaxing and have now charged him with causing a public nuisance.

A True Story of Campanology

A drunk man who fell asleep and got trapped inside a church rang out SOS in Morse code with the bell. When the man awoke in St Faith’s Church in Havant, near Portsmouth, he found the doors locked. Reportedly worried about ghosts, he started ringing out the Morse code for SOS on the church bell, reports Portsmouth Today.

As dusk began to fall, he was still ringing for his life but eventually, a resident realized something was wrong. He alerted two Police Community Support Officers who, in turn, contacted church verger Vicki Mockford who came to the rescue. She said, ‘I was called by police saying someone was using the bell as a sign they were trapped. When we found him inside he told us he went into the church to have a sit down but fell asleep. He told the police he had been drinking which may have made him a bit dozy. He looked quite embarrassed about the whole incident when we found him. Maybe after this, he might consider taking up bell ringing as a hobby.’

Funny Drinking or Yoga

Are you at a loss for an evening’s activity? Which would you prefer, yoga exercises or drinking?

First We Asked a Couch Potato

We Considered Ballet Lessons

But We Narrowed it Down to Yoga or Drinking

Research Confirms That Drinking Gives You The Same Benefits As Yoga!!!!

Savasana – Position of total relaxation.

Balasana– Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana – This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana – Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Halasana – Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

Dolphin – Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana – Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana – This position is great for massaging the hip area.

Malasana – This position, is for ankles and back muscles.

Pigeon – Tones the body, builds flexibility, and helps get rid of ‘stress’.

So in the interest of healthy relaxation …. let’s start drinking !! …………..

Funny Drinking Stories, Jokes, and Amusing Pictures

Selection of Funny Drinking Stories

Raffle Winner

‘Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?’ asked the parish priest. ‘Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.’

‘But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O’Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don’t drink.’ ‘Dat’s what I mean, Father…’

Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left-hand side, there is a valley and on your right-hand side, there is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you, there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you, there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!

Drinking Lesson

‘All right, son’, asked Will, ‘what does that show you?’

‘Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.’

Blow Up Pub – Yours For Only £27K

Inflatable Boozer For Your Garden [$40,600]

An inflatable version of the traditional-looking British pub has gone on sale for people to install in their garden. The inflatable boozer, which measures 15m by 7.5m and is 8m tall, includes details such as a tiled roof, a brick stone wall, and two chimney pots.

Inside there’s a welcoming fireplace feature and enough room for about fifty drinkers with a fully stocked bar. A spokesperson for DrinkStuff, which sells the boozer online, informed Will and Guy, ‘We British love a traditional public house, propping up the bar with a pint of English ale, but you’ve probably never had a drink in a pub like this.’

Hilarious, Funny Irish Drinking Tale

It was late one Saturday night when the local Garda spied Timothy O’Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O’Carroll if he had been drinking that night.

‘Who told on me?’ asked Timothy. ‘Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,’ continued the thoroughly drunk O’Carroll. ‘It’s Saturday night, you know. Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven pints, that’s all. But then they had somethin’ called “Happy Hour” during which they served these delicious margaritos or margaritas? Anyway, they are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had promised to drive O’Callaghan, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in for a couple of pints of Guinness. I really couldn’t be rude, now occifer, Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for later…’

At that point, Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and suddenly lifted a bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect.

The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying, ‘Sir, you will need to step out of the vehicle to take a breathalyzer.’

Indignantly, O’Carroll replied, ‘Why, don’t you believe me?’

Selection of Funny Drinking Jokes and Amusing Pictures

Funny Beer Trivia

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to Mind their pints and quarts and settle down. This is where we get the phrase: ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’.
The three most common pub names in the UK are The Red Lion; The Crown; and The Royal Oak. It is a sad fact, say Will and Guy, that as pubs are taken over more and more by the conglomerates pub signs are diminishing and pubs are getting generic names like ‘The Slug and Lettuce’ which is a large chain.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool *grogram coats he wore. The term ‘grog’ soon began to mean the watered-down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were ‘groggy’, a word still in use today.
* Grogram: A coarse, often stiffened fabric made of silk, mohair, wool, or a blend of them.
A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
Collecting beer mats is called tegestology.
The oldest brewery in the United States is supposedly Yuengling in Pottsville, Pennsylvania – founded in 1829.
Beer Ads on television started in the 1940s. One of the first cheeky/funny beer ads was Carling’s: ‘Hey Mabel–Black Label’. The ad ran for 20 years from 1951 at the end of the advert the barmaid winked at the audience as she responded to: ‘Hey Mabel–Black Label’.

Bad Beat – Classic Drinking Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.’
Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.’ announces Cavan.

He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door. Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: ‘Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’ snarls Brenda.’ I’ll go tell him.’ says Cavan.

The Cost of Drinking

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.
Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.
Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years
Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No
Man: So where is your Ferrari?

Funny Drunk Signs

These three words, ‘Funny Drunk Signs’ can have several connotations. Are the signs themselves drunk? Could they be amusing symptoms of drunkenness? Or are they funny pictures of drunken people? Will and Guy cover all meanings in our collection below.

Funny Warning Sign: Drunks in the Road

The above picture was taken in Romania of all places.

The background: Pecica in Romania has a vibrant nightlife. Mayor Antal said: “We are a border town and have lots of cars thundering through here all the time. But we also have a very vibrant nightlife and the two don’t mix. We have to target the drivers because, by the time they get to this state, the pedestrians are beyond caring.”

No Lying on The Floor – No Drunkenness Poster

Talking of ambiguity, ‘No lying’, could be taken to mean several things. However, ‘No drunkenness’ clarifies the context.

Funny Drunkenness Sign

Will and Guy have heard that a drunken badger passed out in the middle of the road near Goslar in Germany. The badger had been consuming over-ripe cherries which fermented in his stomach causing him to have diarrhoea as well as a hangover.

He staggered into the road where he collapsed and refused to move when police officers tried to scare him away. Police then had to chase the boozy badger off the road into a nearby meadow using a yard brush; there, the inebriate fell asleep again.

Another Funny Drunk Sign – No Throwing-Up!

Funny Drunk Signs

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: – Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan.

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. – Norman Brenner

Drunks Ahead – Amusing Signboards

Parking is Reserved for Drunks!

Suivez La Piste?

John Windsor was flagged down by a gendarme in the Champs Elysee in Paris. It was close to midnight and he was on his way back to his brother-in-law’s house in Rue Cler. The truth was inescapable, John was as drunk as a skunk.

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks John if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the Englishman replies; ‘Yes, this morning I was at my (hic) daughter’s wedding during the banquet I remember downing two great bottles of wine; a Corbieres, and a Minervois, oh and (hic)…a sauterne with the cake.’ ‘Then to finish off during the celebrations in the evening …me and my mate Trevor downed a bottle of Bells whisky.’

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; ‘Do you realize I’m a policeman and have stopped you for a breathalyser test’?

John, with a grin on his face, replies; ‘You don’t seem to understand that I’m English, like my car, and my teetotal wife is sitting in the other
seat, at she’s at the wheel – not me!

There Are Drunk Riders, There Are Old Riders. But….

… There Are No Old Drunk Riders

Funny Pub Names

Will and Guy are building a collection of amusing names for bars, drinking houses, pubs, and boozers, call them what you will. Our only criterion is a pub sign that raises a smile.

Funny, Amusing, Hilarious, and Strange Pub Names

This led us to research “funny and amusing pub names” particularly in the UK and in Ireland.

History of Pub Names

Originally, public house names reflected the history of the country or the area in which they were sited. Names from the past tended to be patriotic or royal. Common names in the UK include:

The Crown – this is representative of the King or Queen.
The Red Lion – this pub name became popular when James I ordered red lions to be displayed outside all public places.
Royal Oak – this only became popular after Charles II escaped during the English Civil War by hiding behind an Oak tree.
Swan – a symbol used commonly in the coat of arms. All swans [the birds] are owned by the Queen and protected by law.
White Hart – this was the heraldic symbol of King Richard II.
Duke of Buckingham – named after the Duke who was murdered in Old Portsmouth in 1628.

Let Us Preserve Old Pub Names

Many of the old tavern names are in danger of disappearing as large conglomerations buy up pubs and change their names to “modern” equivalents. Throughout Britain “Harvester” pubs, “Slug and Lettuce” and “Beefeater” pubs can be found, owned by these big groups.

Will and Guy bemoan the loss of the heritage connected with the old names. Many of these inns can still be found when traveling around Britain
and Ireland.

Will and Guy have started a collection of funny pub signs to bring a smile to your face. Here is a list of the best pub names that
we have discovered.

The Idle Cook – Idle, Bradford, Yorkshire
Bucket of Blood – Phillack, Cornwall
*The Fawcett Inn – Portsmouth, Hampshire
*The Ram Inn – Newark, Nottinghamshire
Moderation Inn – Reading, Berkshire
*The Pub with No Name – Priors Dean, Hampshire [known by locals as The White Horse Inn]
The Vat and Fiddle – Nottingham
The Happy Medium – Chichester, West Sussex
The Hung Drawn And Quartered, London
*Hole in the Wall – Southsea, Hampshire; *Caernarvon, north Wales; Little Wilbraham, Cambridgeshire; Waterloo, London; Lowside, Bowness Windermere, Cumbria [Hole Int Wall]; and several other venues.
Bank Tavern, Keswick, Cumbria
The Bleeding Wolf, Hale, Altrincham, Cheshire
Blooming Fuchsia, Ipswich, Suffolk
The Cow and Snuffers, Llandaff, Cardiff, Wales
Drunken Duck, Hawkshead, Cumbria
Mad Dog, Odell, Bedfordshire
The Quiet Woman – York [The sign being a woman carrying her severed head]
Nobody Inn – Doddiscombsleigh, Devon
One that almost got away was the Cemetery in Rochdale, Lancashire.
The Tap Shop, Mid Calder, West Lothian, Scotland.

* These pubs have been visited by Will.

Another Tranche of Amusing Names For a Boozer

We think these are good pub names if Will and Guy were to open a new hostelry, this would be our short list of tavern names:

Devil’s Punchbowl
The Elusive Camel
The Hung Drawn And Quartered
The Fawcett Inn
Dirty Nelly’s
The Hairy Lemon
The Three-Legged Mare [Known locally as The Wonky Donkey]
The Hog In The Pound
Pig and Whistle
The Roaring Donkey
Spread Eagle
Dirty Dick’s
Filthy Mc Nasty’s
Bread of Heaven

More Funny Names of Public Houses

We are sure there are other, perhaps funnier pub names, and we would appreciate a photo or an e-mail so we can add to the collection.

For example, Lisa reports there was a ‘The Goat & Tricycle’ in Bournemouth.

Another interesting project would be to go inside and research funny names for individual bars.

Alternatively, Wife Takes The Initiative

Crèche for Husbands

More Funny Bar Names

A Very Nice Cat!

This Pub Name Seems to be ‘The Plough’

Guy thinks that it should be called ‘The Pits’. Will thinks it must have a peculiar clientele.

Funny Pub Cartoons

Funny Stories About Drunks

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Story About an Early Morning Drunk

Rodney and his wife Wilma are awakened at 3 o’clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door.

Rodney gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

‘Give us a push’ says the swaying stranger. ‘Not a chance’, says the husband, ‘It is three o’clock in the morning.’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife. ‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push’, he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ Wilma asks. ‘No. I did not. It is three o’clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside.

His wife said, ‘Don’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello! Are you still there? ‘Yes’, comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out Rodney. ‘Yes. Please.’ comes the reply from the darkness.

‘Where are you?’ asks Rodney.

‘Over here on the swing’, replies the drunk.

Not Drunk – Just Plain Dumb

A robber wielding an ornamental sword returned to the service station he had just held up when he realized he had left his swag behind, police told News.com.au. The 20-year-old man approached an attendant at a service station in South Perth, Australia at about 1.30 am and allegedly demanded money and cigarettes. The attendant took money from the till and packets of cigarettes and placed them in a bag.

The offender fled on foot across the Canning highway before realizing he had left the bag in the service station. Police report he returned to find the door locked and begged the attendant to let him back in for his booty. The attendant refused so the offender fled again.

Police caught up with him several streets away, supposedly still wielding his sword. It is thought that the same man held up the service station on August 17, commented police.

He was charged with two counts of armed robbery and will appear in Perth Magistrates Court soon.

Big Boozing Badger Doesn’t Budge

Inebriated Badger in Funny Drinking Tale

Keep Talking …

Officer Williams pulls over a speeding car. He says, “I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir.”

Nigel, the driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting, Betty, the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As Officer Williams writes out the ticket, Nigel looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once, Betty!! ?”

Betty smiles sweetly and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As Officer Williams makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Nigel glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

Nigel replies, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.”

Betty chips in again, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And, as Officer Williams is writing out the third ticket, Nigel turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at Betty and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Oh, no. Only when he’s been drinking.”

Funny Wine Jokes

I am thinking about having a wine-tasting party. You bring the wine; I’ll taste it. – Anon

No Wine?

No Problem – Let’s Have a Takeaway!

Are You a Wine Enthusiast?

I’m a wine enthusiast, the more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.

Winorexia

No matter how full your glass is, you believe it’s not full enough.

7-Up: More Drinking Trivia

The world’s oldest-known recipe – is for beer!
Distilled spirits such as brandy, gin, rum, and tequila, contain no carbohydrates, no fats, and no cholesterol of any kind.
The word ‘toast,’ which means wishing for good health originated in ancient Rome where a piece of toasted bread was dropped into wine.
Most people think that drinking alcohol raises the body temperature. Alcohol lowers the body temperature.
In England, in days gone by, a whistle was baked into the rim or handle of ceramic cups used by pub patrons. When they wanted a refill, they used the whistle to get service. So when people went drinking, they would “wet their whistle.”
It’s impossible to create a wine of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone.
Most vegetables and almost all fruits contain a small amount of alcohol in them.

More Funny Wine Jokes

A Good Wife is Hard to Find

Nigel and Trevor, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Les Lacs du Verger, France, last year.

Slurping a large Ch√Ęteau Mont-Redon, Nigel announces, ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.’

Trevor downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, ‘Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.’

The Lord’s Miracle?

Father O’Reilly was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s
breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’

‘Only water’, replied Father O’Reilly.

The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’

The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’

Fascinating Trivia and About Drinking

Christopher Columbus brought Sherry on his voyage to the New World.
Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.
The national anthem of the United States “The Star Spangled Banner,” was written to the tune of a drinking song.
Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.
Bourbon takes its name from Bourbon County in Kentucky.
The first recruiting station of the US Marines was a bar.
It is estimated that there are 49 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne.
It is illegal to feed alcohol to moose in Alaska and fish in Ohio.
Beer, selling in bottles, began in 1850 and cans in 1935.
The USA has the highest minimum drinking age in the entire world.

The Bottle of Wine Parable

Huang Chan was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Wong. Huang Chan gave Wong a bottle and said, ‘Buy me a bottle of wine.’

Wong, the poor farmhand enquired, ‘How can I buy you wine with no money at all?’
Huang Chan replied disdainfully, ‘Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.’

Time elapsed and Wong eventually returned the farmhand with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Chan and murmured, ‘Enjoy the wine, please.’

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, ‘There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?’

Wong replied to Huang Chan, with a straight face, ‘Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.’

Huang Chan made a choking sound but was unable to utter a word.

Hillbilly jokes

Here is our collection of redneck jokes. All feature hillbillies and many feature the demon drink.

Only a Person in Tennessee could Think of This!

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. After the last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off – it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron’s vehicles left. At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I seriously doubt it’, said the truly proud Hillbilly. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff, ‘I’m here to be a deputy.’

The sheriff laughs and says, ‘Well let’s see if you’re qualified, son. The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The
Sheriff says, ‘Close enough.’

The sheriff then asks him, ‘What are two days of the week that begin with ‘T’?’ ‘Today and tomorrow,’ says the hillbilly.

‘Not what I was looking for but I’ll give it to ya,’ says the sheriff.

‘Who shot Abraham Lincoln?’ the sheriff asks. The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

‘Why don’t you go home, think about it, and come back tomorrow,’ the sheriff says to the hillbilly. So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, ‘So sweetpea, did you get the job?’

‘I think so, they’ve already put me on a murder case.’

Hillbillies Escape Justice?

Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch Hillbillies committing serious crimes?

Could it be their back-woods cunning? No.

Is it because they are all law-abiding? I seriously doubt that.

The reason they are never caught is that Hillbillies all share the same DNA, and they have no dental records!

Classic Tennessee Hillbilly Drunk Joke

George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, ‘What’ll you have?’

Hillbilly answers, ‘Ah, I’ll have a scotch, please.’

George hands him the drink, and says, ‘That’ll be $4.60,’ to which the Hillbilly splutters, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’

George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, ‘OK, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me ever catch you in here again.’

Hillbilly Letter From Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

Hillbilly Knows Best

A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.

‘Heya, Wilbur,’ said Ron, the store owner. ‘Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?’

‘You betcha, Ron. Ain’t no ‘tother way. Why?’

‘Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It’s called a “match”. ‘Match? Never heard of it.’

‘Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,’ Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers.

‘Huh. Well, that’s something, but that ain’t for me, Ron.’ ‘Well, why not?’

‘I can’t be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.’

Pub Jokes

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas

1. Social Drinker – I’ll Drink to that

1a) I’m just a social drinker, every time someone says, ‘I’ll have a drink’. I say, ‘Social I.’

1b) An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, and who drinks as much as you do. Dylan Thomas

2. Moving Beer

Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 am waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.

‘What are you doing?’ Mary shouted. Patrick replied, ‘I’m trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.’

‘Leave it down there, Patrick’, Mary bellowed. ‘I can’t, ‘Patrick replied, ‘I’ve drunk it.’

Lawyers Served in the Pub

A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asked the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here’.

‘Yes’, said the bartender.

‘Good’, said the man, ‘In that case I’ll have a whisky and a lawyer for my alligator’.

3. Politician

A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’ See more politician jokes

4. A Snippet from a County Cork Newspaper:

Reilly’s Bar: Due to the sad death of Shamus, the bar to all intents and purposes, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what Shamus wanted.

Thank you. The Reilly family.

5. Do You Like a Compliment?

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. ‘Hey, nice tie!’ comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he has said anything, but since he is on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

‘Hey! Nice shirt!’ The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere. ‘Hey! Nice suit!’ The man then calls the barman over and asks him why he keeps talking to him.

‘It’s not me, it’s the complimentary peanuts’, said the barman.

6. Bad Beat – Classic Pub Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when
Sean O’Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?’

He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door. Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: ‘Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’ snarls Brenda.’ I’ll go tell him.’ says Cavan.

Electricity is made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Dave Barry

7. Do You Fancy a Double?

Neil was in a pub, extremely drunk. The barman, Simon, noticed this, and when Neil asked for another whisky, the barman politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

Neil leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again at the side door and asks Simon for a double whisky. A little frustrated, Simon repeats the answer he had said earlier.

Neil again leaves and enters through a further side door, walks up to the barman, and asks for a Scotch. Simon is now quite annoyed and tells Neil he is too drunk to get a ride home and leave the pub.

Once more, Neil leaves. Again he comes in, this time through the back door. Neil walks up to the barman and before he can say a word, Simon explodes at him, ‘I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another whisky. Get out of my bar!’

Disgruntled, Neil glares at Simon and asks, ‘Man, how many bars do you work at?’

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

8. Mine’s A Pint

A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman says, ‘Bitter’s off just now, we’re waiting for the dray and a delivery.’

The man says, ‘OK then, I’ll have a rum and coke.’

After drinking his rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and asks again for a pint of bitter.

Once again the barman says that they don’t have any, so the man orders a screwdriver. He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again for a pint of bitter.

The barman says ‘Look, if you take the rum out of a rum and coke, what do you have?’ The man replies, ‘Coke.’

‘If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?’ The man replies, ‘Orange juice.’

‘Now, if you take the flame out of a pint of bitter, what do you have?’ The man looks puzzled, ‘There is no flame in a pint of bitter.’ The barman replies, ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!’

8a. Special Daiquiri

Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].

One day, the Dermot, barman ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, ‘This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!’

‘No, I’m sorry’, replied Dermot the barkeeper, ‘it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.’

9. The Oasis

Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. they’re only desperate for water, but just as they think they’re about to die, they chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.’ No, ‘replies the Bedouin stall owner, ‘I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.’

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water. ‘Sorry,’ says the merchant, ‘But I only sell custard’. ‘Custard! Custard?’ splutter the two.

Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, ‘What kind of flippin’
place is this?’ By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, ‘Sorry, but I only sell jelly.’ Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, ‘Bejabbers, Niall – this is a trifle bazaar.’