Funny Appraisal – Translations

You may have had a performance assessment lately.  If so, we wonder
if any of these phrases occurred, if so Will and Guy have the
translations.

• A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially:
  Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Conscientious and careful: Scared.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job:
  Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes
  a good cup of coffee.
• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
  

More Funny Appraisals

• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually
  does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons
  are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Keen sense of humour: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues:
  Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favours
  steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Funny Human Resources Story

A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup so they hired a
new head of human resources.  The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against
a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant business.  He asked the guy, “How much money do you make
a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $500 a
week. Why?”

The Human Resources boss said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and
said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room
and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
See more funny HR stories.

More Funny Performance Assessments

• Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on
  time.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average:
  Stupid.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
• Straightforward: Blunt
  and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Takes pride in work: Conceited.
• Unlimited
  potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’tmind spending someone else’s
  money.
• Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny
appraisal.