Funny Doctor Jokes
Will and Guy's Selection of Clean Doctors' Jokes
Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'
- Five of the Best Short Medical Jokes
- What Sort of Medicine is Practiced here?
- Doctor's One-liner Advice
- Crazy Logic - Classic Doctor Joke
- Keep Drinking the Water
- Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation
- Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery
Mechanic v Doctor StoryAllan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.' A live-in face When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! Rodney Dangerfield What Vision Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'
Doctor Patient Jokes
Headache? For a headache, nothing acts faster than anadin. So I take nothing.
Funny Doctor Quotes
- The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. Will Rogers
- My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. Ronnie Shakes
- If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors. Jadelr and Cristina Cordova
- See more funny medical quotes.
Patient CareAn element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies. If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas. Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?' See a real Patient Participation Group.
The Specialist - Short Doctor Joke'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. 'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'
Best Medicine?Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke? After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject. We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope. Thus we continue our quest for more doctors' jokes.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Doctors and Quacks In Britain today, there are about 50,000 practitioners of alternative medicine, but only about 30,000 qualified doctors.
The Five Best, Clean and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in Hospital
- Doctor : Are you on HRT? Patient : No, income support.
- Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, 'No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE.'
- A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation: Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.' [a medical device which is used to look into the ears]. Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even know your star sign.'
- A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen. Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, 'Would you pull down your knickers, please?' The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, 'I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.'
- While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, 'Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too.' When seated in the dentist's chair, I related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, 'Oh, that was just my Mother.'
Worried Patient (Kindly sent by Geo Burns) Patient: Doctor, when I press my leg it hurts. Then when I press my chest it hurts, when I press my head it hurts, and when I press my stomach it hurts. I'm worried doc, what's wrong with me? Doctor: Easy straightforward, you have a sore finger!
- Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
- Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.