- Quickest Way?
- Counting Your Chickens
- New Fashion
- Funny Farming Jokes
- Accident - Countryside Joke
- Calculating Farmer
Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to
local farmhand, Martin.
'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'
Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied,
Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.
Mikey, the farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different
directions, but Mikey, being determined walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, he reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst.
'Pa, the chickens got loose,' Mikey confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all twelve of them.'
'Well, you did real good, son,' the farmer beamed. 'You left with seven.'
Bernie, a farmer, was in a café in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, one day having lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. What really caught his attention was that Matthew was wearing an earring.
Berjnie knew his old mate to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, and he was curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' So he approached Big Mat and gently enquired, 'Ooo, argh, Big Mat, I
didn't know you was into earrings an' that.'
'No big deal, Bernie, argh but 'tis only an earring,' Big Mat replied rather sheepishly.
Bernie, the farmer, was silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity got the better of him and he demanded, 'So, Big Mat, then 'ow long have you been wearing one then?'
'Ahaaa, ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my lorry,' Matthew answered.
Roland, a country yokel, goes into town to buy a new bath and returns to his farm with in the back of his truck. Once fitted, no matter how Roland tries he is unable to fill it. Roland tries after for hours
and hours with no luck.
Eventually, Roland drives over to his friend Tom's farm and asks him why the water keeps running out of the new bath.
Tom, smiling, asks in a broad Norfolk accent, 'Now, Roly, did
you buy a plug then?'
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, 'Hey, Morgan forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you
get the wagon up later.'
'That's mighty nice of you,' Morgan answered, 'But I don't think Pa would like me to.'
'Aw come on boy,' the farmer insisted, 'have a nice cold lemonade and a meal.'
okay,' Morgan finally agreed, and added, 'but Pa won't like it.' After a hearty dinner, Morgan thanked the farmer. 'I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.'
'Don't be silly!'
the farmer said with a smile. 'By the way, where is he?'
'Under the wagon.'
One morning a travelling farm salesman stops at Burcot Farm, Winchester. He rings the doorbell and Mavis, Harry Burcot's wife, opens the front door.
'Is your husband home, Ma'am? he asks politely.
that he is,' answers Mavis, 'He's over t'cow barn.'
'Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?'
'Oooo now, I wouldn't think so. Harry will be the one
with the beard and moustache.'
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I
have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'
sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle
off a dead donkey.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain
that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his
prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
See more farmer jokes
Lambada the dreadlocked Baudet de Poitou donkey is rarer than both white
rhinos and giant pandas, and is one of a herd being reared at a sanctuary in
Photo: Gavin Rodgers / Rex
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Mrs Vasey, the teacher, came up with a good problem. 'Suppose,' she asked her
infant class, 'there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How
many would be left?'
'None', answered little
Paul, the farmer's son.
'None, Paul? You don't know your arithmetic.'
'No, Mrs Vasey, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go,' laughed Paul.
Trouble in the Watermelon Patch
Old Vic, the farmer, has a watermelon patch
and when he checks on their welfare he discovers that some of the local children have been helping themselves on a regular basis. Old Vic thinks hard of different ways to discourage this very unsatisfactory
situation. Eventually he decides to put up a sign that says: 'Warning! One of these watermelons contains poison.'
Old Vic smiles smugly as he watches the youngsters run off the next evening without stealing
any of his melons. However, the next day when Old Vic returns to the watermelon patch he discovers, to his horror, that even though none of the watermelons have been taken, another sign has been erected that
reads: 'Now there are two!'
Please send Will and Guy your countryside