Laugh at Clean jokes for January

January is named after the
Roman god – Janus.  Jan may be a corruption of the Latin ‘geno’ meaning beginning.

Clean Funny Jokes for January

• Funny New Year Resolutions – Diet Diary
• Diet – A Weigh
  of Life
• Banned for Wearing a Hat
• Coincidences – Predictions and premonitions
• Good Karma – Start the year in good style
• Interesting Articles – Snippets.
• Logical Language – Tie yourself in verbal knots
• Loser of the Month
• Neologism Word Contest – Alternate meanings for common words
• Notice Boards – Unusual postings
• Patrick’s
  Dog Story – Strange but True Story
• True Stories – Have a good laugh
• Unfortunate Names – Don’t name your child like this
• Warnings to
  Women – Funny clean jokes

Here is a selection of our clean jokes for January:

Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of
funny clean jokes,
amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images.  We also aim to surprise, but never to shock or offend. Our ongoing project is to collect jokes which reflect each month.

New Year Resolutions for January

Dear Diet Diary

As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, Cresley [what a
thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Read the rest of the New Year Diary

Ode To January – Kindly sent by Alicia Moss

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The
cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

Unusual Text Message

Had a text from my mate the other day it said:

‘I’ve just been
arrested and charged with being the ugliest man on Britain – please come down to the police station and prove them wrong’

Good Karma: Instructions for January

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self,
Respect for others and

Responsibility for all your actions.

Check you your Karma

Unfortunate Children’s Names

Robyn Banks
Dee Zaster
Teresa Green
Nora Bone
Ima Kettle

Army Life

An Army Major needed to use the pay
phone but he did not have the 20p necessary. He saw a private cleaning the floor and demanded of him, ‘Soldier, do you have change for a pound?’
.

The private
replied, ‘Of course.’

The Major gave him a an icy stare and erupted, ‘That’s
no way to speak to a superior officer. we’ll do that again. Soldier, do you have change for a pound?’
.

The soldier
replied, with a glint in his eye, ‘NO SIR.’

The American and the Welsh Farmers

An American
farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

‘How big is your spread?’
, asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s
about 20 acres he said’
.  Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride
all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘Dew dew’
, said the Welshman, ‘I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.’

Examples of Neologism – Alternate Meanings for Common Words

• Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
• Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Warning – Women’s
Body Parts Move – Funny Yet Clean Story

Open letter from Ms
Peggy Legg

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts.  This effect is especially noticeable in January.

You may have read of the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While
the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true – it occurs to me practically every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.  It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke
up with someone else’s
thighs.

How to tell that you have entered a New Year:

• You enter your password on the microwave.
• You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
• You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
  it contains Echinacea.
• Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a
  JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
  anyone is home.
• The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a
  purchase is foreign to you.

January Special Day Events

•  1st New Year’s Day
•  1st Kwanzee ends
•  3rd Festival of Sleep
•  4th Trivia Day
•  5th Twelfth Night
•  5th National Bird Day
•  6th Epiphany
• 11th National Milk Day
• 13th St Hilary’s Day (Coldest Day?)
• 14th Magh Mela and
  Kumbh Mela (Indian
  festivals)
• 14/15th Kite Festival India
• 15th Martin Luther King Day
• 15th Chosun Gul Day or Korean
  Alphabet Day – (North Korea)
• 19th Popcorn Day
• Blue Monday
• 20th Festival of San Sebastian Spain
• 25th Burns Night
• 26th Australia Day
• 26th Republic Day India
• 27th Holocaust Memorial Day
• 28th Cullinan Diamond discovered (1905)
• World Religion Day – Third Sunday in January
• Jan Up Helly Aa

See other interesting events that happened in January back
down the years.

• Dates for January – Test your knowledge
• Zodiac Signs – January

Footnote:
Please send us your clean jokes for
January.