Loser of the month. Clean jokes for August

An escaped convict tried to give himself up – but was turned away from prison because he had no identity card. Hakim Ghazouani, 24, had escaped from prison in Ghent, Belgium, after a visit to the doctor
last month.

Selection of Losers of The Month

• Beware of the Parrot:
• Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones in town.
• Burglar with a death wish
• A pair of head bangers
• Lying through his teeth?
• Out of the frying pan – into the fire
• Couple Injured Shooting
  at Mice

1) Beware of the
Parrot:

A
postman in Portchester known as ‘Chippenham George’
[because of his West Country accent] was working on a new round when he arrived at a garden gate which had a notice that read: ‘Beware of the parrot’
.

He
looked into the garden and, sure enough, there was a parrot sitting on its perch. George chuckled to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch looking harmless and walked brazenly up the garden
path. Halfway to the front door George heard, to his dismay and horror, the parrot shriek, ‘Seize him Rover, seize him.’

2) Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones in
Town.

Mirna Ivanovic from Dubrovnik in Croatia is another winner of Will and
Guy’s:

‘Loser of the Week Award’
.

Mirna heard a rumour that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, were walking around the streets of her home
town. She immediately grabbed her camera and hot-footed it out of her office; her job was in a Bureau de Change. She forgot to lock the doors.

In the short time she was away from her work the bureau was
emptied of several thousands of pound in a variety of currencies.

In cricketing circles they often say when Freddy Flintoff walks out to bat he clears the bars; well wags are now saying, ‘When Michael
Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones walk out in town, they clear the shops.’

3) Burglar with a death wish

A suspected burglar put in handcuffs after his arrest attacked a woman police officer and then escaped by driving off in her car.
The female officer was driving the man to Slough police station when he forcibly took control of the car.

4) A pair of head bangers

Two motorists had an all too literal head on
collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh, Germany. Each was guiding his car at a snail’s
pace near the middle of the road because of the thick fog. At the moment of impact their heads were
both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t
damaged at all and didn’t
have a mark on them.

5) Lying through his teeth?

A suspected car thief was tracked down by police after he left his false teeth at the crime scene. Police say Wojtek Lekowsky, 54, broke into a car in Czarna Dabrowka in northwest Poland and stole a
stereo, but lost his teeth when he tried to make a quick getaway after the car alarm went off reports the Digital Journal.

He was tracked down using dental records and police charged him with robbery. Police
spokesman Roman Krakowiak reported, ‘He tried to tell us that while the false teeth were his, they had been stolen from him. He had not been anywhere near the car at the time of theft, but we knew he was
lying through his dentures.’

6) Out of the Frying Pan –
Into the Fire

This month’s winner of loser of the month has to go to Mr Trevor Doyle who apparently fell asleep on the bus that was returning him to his open prison near Arklow, in the south
of Ireland.  He became concerned that the bus would get him to the prison too late and he would miss the deadline for the end of his weekend release. What did he do – he stole a car to get him back in time
reports Jon Henley in the Guardian Diary.

7) Couple Injured Shooting at Mice:
You Couldn’t Make It Up

The Hilariously Funny and True Story of This Month’s Losers

A woman
living in a small travel trailer in Potter Valley, Mendocino County,
California, USA, shot herself and her male companion in an almost fatal
accident Will and Guy have recently learned.

The woman, aged 43 years had spotted several mice running around in her
trailer home. As you do when this happens, she drew her .44-caliber Magnum
revolver from its holster to fire at the invading rodents. Unfortunately,
she dropped the pistol which went off as it landed on the floor. The bullet
went through the woman’s right kneecap, then hit keys hanging on the belt
loop of a 42-year-old man who happened to be in the trailer.

The bullet
glanced off the keys and tore a hole in the man’s trousers and grazed his
groin before stopping in his pocket, where it was recovered for evidence.

As yet we have been unable to find out the names of the people involved
and there is no further news regarding the mice.

• P.S. Please send us your candidates for Loser of the Month.