A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church
every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, ' But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
A Comic Fishing Tale
One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in their boat and rowed their way over to the middle of the lake.
The Catholic remarked, 'I've forgotten my hat,' so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.
He returned and the Anglican said, 'I've forgotten the fishing bait,' so he got up, climbed out of the boat and walked across the water.
He came back and the Methodist murmured, 'I've forgotten the beer.' He got up, jumped out of the boat and was standing in the water then he sank.
The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked, 'Do you think we ought to tell him were the stepping stones are?'
The Funny Story of Father O'Malley and the Acrobat
As soon as she had finished at St Mary's convent school in Mullingar, a bright young girl named Aileen shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father O'Malley recognised her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father O'Malley, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two elderly ladies. They witnessed Aileen's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, 'Will you just look at the penance Father O'Malley is giving out this night, and me without me bloomers on.'
Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.
The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
The Funny Fable of the Foolish Friars
A group of Carmelite friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh Mordor, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close up shop.
Hugh attacked and beat the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close down immediately.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
More Funny Yet Clean Christian Jokes
We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications. Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.
Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.
New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet. All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.
Charity Begins at Home?
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'
'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'
Out of the Mouths of Children
The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'
This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?'
'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'
Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, 'Nothing.'
So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'
Richard's reply was,
'No, he wasn't even there.'
Chosen - True Story
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me ... 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
A Selection of Short, Clean Christian Jokes
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the
army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked
him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'
New twist on Lot's
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'
His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
Baptists don't recognise each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
Martin Takes the Bait?
Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual
so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'
Funny Religious Stories
Big Cheese in Church: a Smelly, Amusing Tale
Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.
The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'
Funny Father George and His New Suit
For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, Newark, England, decided to give him a present of a new suit.
Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and began his homily with a tear in his eye, 'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'
Pastor Discusses the Hereafter with Parishioner
Each Wednesday I visit with Mrs Evans, an elderly lady who cannot make to Sunday services. She blesses me, and I often mention her in my sermons. On this particular Wednesday I wanted to get her thoughts on heaven for the Sunday message. After our normal greetings and having some tea I asked her if she thinks about the hereafter.
She relied "Oh yes Pastor, I think of it quite often." Considering her age I was not taken aback by her response but asked her if she thought about it more upon waking up in the morning or at night before retiring?
She responded "Neither, I think about it throughout the day, but usually in the hallway leading to the bedroom. I stop halfway down the hall and wonder, what am I here after?"
Early one Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to Church!'
'But why, Mother? I don't want to go.'
'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.' 'Well, one they all hate me at Church, and two the sermons are boring!'
'Those are not good reason for not to going to Church. Get up and get ready.' 'Give me two reasons why I should go to Church.'
'Well, for one, you're 55 years old. And for another, you're the Pastor!'
Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any clean Christian jokes.