Funny Stories Church Times and Pews News

Religious jokes are amongst the cleanest.  Church humour has a personality all of its own.  At their best
the Church Times jokes combine reverence with gently poking fun, rather like a grandfather may tease his grandson.

Funny Stories from the Church Times and Pews News

• Vicar and His Son
• Elizabeth and her Sunday School
• Finding a Priest or a Lawyer
• Care for the Mother-in-law
• Church Pews News

Vicar and His Son

Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon.

‘How do you
know what to say?’
Andrew asked. ‘Why, God tells me’
, the father replied. ‘Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?’

Elizabeth and Her Sunday School

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert’s
picture, which showed four people sitting in
a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was
meant to represent.’  The flight to Egypt,’ said Bert. ‘I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, ‘Elizabeth said, ‘But who’s
the fourth person?’
Oh, that’s
Pontius – the Pilot.’

Finding a Priest or a Lawyer

Betty and Martin were about to get married.  Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash.  When they arrived at the gates of heaven
they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, ‘Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here
in the reception room.  He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, ‘We’ve been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married’.  Betty
chipped in, ‘We were wondering, if the marriage did not work you arrange for a
divorce?’

St. Peter was exasperated, and then said ‘Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven.  How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?’

Care
For the Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for
£5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can’t
take that chance.’

Latest from the Church Pews
News

• Tonight’s
  sermon: ‘What is
  hell?’
  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be
  baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
  All ladies giving milk come early.
• Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be
  Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Richards to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
  be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
• For those of you who have children and don’t
  know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
  community.
• ‘Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning.
  Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won’t
  take long!’

Out-takes From the Pews News

One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to
defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned.  The widows will need extra
attention.

Church Ladies with Tripewriters

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon
  tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
  those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
• Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
  obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Nellie Morgan and John Rees were married on February 2nd in
  Newtown’s Baptist
  church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
  Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Seven new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
  new members, and to the deterioration of some of older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
  recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
  person you want remembered.
• St Hilary church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
  and gracious hostility.
• The ladies of St Peter’s Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
  may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
  from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Missing the Church Service

Father Lewis woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Lewis headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and
everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
down from the heavens and exclaimed,”You’re not going to let him get away
with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Lewis hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 430 YARD HOLE-in-ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you
let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Footnote:
Please send us your items from the Church Times and Pews News.

For example:
The vicar unveiled St Martin’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.