Funny assorted short stories and jokes

This selection of short stories has a strong element of ‘crazy’.
They say that genius is next to madness, here we just see madness.

• Eternal Rivalry – Army an Navy
• Big Frank
• Crazy Aussie Drive
• Updated: Free Short Stories
• Stories of Kindness

Eternal Rivalry – Army and Navy

An old Sailor and an old Fleet Air Arm were sitting in the Duke of Buckingham arguing about who’d had the tougher career.

‘I did 30 years in the Corps’, the Fleet declared proudly, ‘and fought in three of
my country’s
wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. ‘As a sergeant, I
fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. ‘Finally, as a gunny
sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all
night. In a fire-fight, we’d fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!’

‘Ah’, said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, ‘lucky Tommy, all shore
duty, huh?’

Husband Down

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks June.
‘They’re on sale, only
$15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’
demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks Eddie.
‘It’s my face cream. It
makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Heineken and it’s half the
price.’

Eddie never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: ‘Cleanup on
aisle 19, we have a husband down.’

Big Frank

Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser’s
when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminium clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the
car and found the driver unhurt.

The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.

Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber’s
seat. ‘I
just don’t
understand why he kept passing out,’ he said to the hairdresser. ‘I did everything they taught me.’

‘Well, put yourself in the lorry driver’s
place, ‘said the hairdresser. ‘He’s driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he’s
waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You’d pass out too’

Crazy Aussie Driver

A drunk driver tried to
avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had
abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and
applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

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