He who sits in the heavens shall laugh. - Psalms 2:4
- The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
- Religious Stories for Children by Children
- Does God Exist? An Amusing, Funny and Logical Story
- Faith Can Move Mountains
- The Hungry Children Fed
- Sound Advice from the Book of Ecclesiastes
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell - A Funny Story
Will and Guy have been sent the following article by a regular site visitor to our site.
Apparently, a child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Having read it and, indeed, laughed at its contents we are not convinced that it is a child's piece of work; we feel that it may be fabricated and specially concocted.
However, we hope it bring a smile to your face.
The Hilarious Tale of Judas Asparagus
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. [I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.']
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Religious Stories for Children by Children
Maybe Cain and Abel would kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother
See more Children's Letters to God
Attributes of God - As Seen by Children
Below are true attempts by kids to list some of attributes of God. Some of them are nearly right after all, others, just unpardonable.
Kindly sent in by Kerphas Gyamphi.
- God is married to Mercy.
- God is man and woman.
- God is very muscular, very strong.
- God is impotent (What this kid meant was ''omnipotent'')
- God is ancient, he knows everything.
- God is jealous. (Well, that's somewhere in Exodus 20)
- God is invisible
More Amusing Religious Stories for Children
Does God Exist? An Amusing, Funny and Logical Story
Abdullah entered a barber's shop to have his hair and his beard cut as usual. He began a conversation with Masoud, the barber who
attended to him. They talked about many things and various subjects. Casually, they touched the subject of God when Masoud stated, 'Look Abdullah, I don't believe that God exists as you tell me.'
'Why on earth do you say that?' inquired Abdullah.
'Well, it's so easy; you just have to go out in the street to realise that God does not exist. Listen, if God existed, would there be so many
sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't think of a God who permits all of these things,' pronounced Masoud.
Abdullah, not wishing to start an argument with his friend and barber kept silent, thinking. Masoud completed the hair and beard trim
and Abdullah paid and left the shop. As he did so he saw another man in the street who had unkempt, long hair and beard and it was obvious that
a long time had elapsed since he had his cut.
Smiling to himself, Abdullah returned to Masoud's shop. Once inside he said, 'You know what, Masoud, barbers do not exist.'
'What?' exclaimed Masoud, 'How come they don't exist? Here and I am and I'm a barber.'
'No!' Abdullah countered, 'they don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beards like that man over there in the street.'
'Ah, barbers do exist,' answered Masoud, ' what happens is that people do not always come to me for haircuts.'
'Exactly,' affirmed Abdullah conclusively. 'That's the point. God does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for
Him that's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'
Story adapted, by Will and Guy, from a an Islamic tale.
The Man in the Glass: A Poem With Meaning
When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say. For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one starring back from the glass.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed the most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years.
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be the heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
Author: Dale Wimbrow, Copyrighted in 1934
Good Religious Story for Children
Faith Can Move Mountains
A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains, USA, built a new church on a piece of land left to them by a church
member in his will.
Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the vicar that the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the parking lot, they would not be able to use the new sanctuary.
Unfortunately, the church with its undersized parking lot had used every inch of their land except for the mountain against which it had been built. In order to build more parking spaces, they would have to move the mountain out of the back yard.
Undaunted, the pastor announced the next Sunday morning that he would meet that evening with all members who had "mountain-moving faith". They would hold a prayer session asking God to remove the mountain from the back yard and to somehow provide enough money to have it paved and painted before the scheduled opening dedication service the following week.
At the appointed time, 24 of the congregation's 300 members assembled for prayer. They prayed for nearly three hours. At ten o'clock the pastor said the final 'Amen'.
'We'll open next Sunday as scheduled,' he assured everyone. 'God has never let us down before, and I believe He will be faithful this time too.'
The next morning as he was working in his study there came a loud knock at his door. When he called "come in", a rough looking construction foreman appeared, removing his hard hat as he entered.
'Excuse me, Reverend. I'm from Acme Construction Company over in the next county. We're building a huge new shopping mall over there and we need some fill dirt. Would you be willing to sell us a chunk of that mountain behind
the church? We'll pay you for the dirt we remove and pave all the exposed area free of charge, if we can have it right away. We can't do anything else until we get the dirt in and allow it to settle properly.'
The little church was dedicated the next Sunday as originally planned and there were far more members with "mountain-moving faith" on opening Sunday than there had been the previous week.
In The Church
When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, 'What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?' Mum whispered something in Shay's ear.
Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, 'Be quiet until you get back to your seat.'
The Hungry Children Fed: A Thought-provoking Short Religious Story
Marge, a poor widow spoke one morning to her five young children, 'My darlings, I can give you nothing to eat this morning. I have no bread or anything else to eat. Ask the dear Lord to help us. He is rich and mighty, and has said Himself, "Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee." '
Little Robyn, who was just seven years old, was very hungry and sad as she walked to school. As she passed by the open door of the church,
she went in, and kneeling down, she prayed with a loud voice in what she thought was an empty church, 'Dear Father in Heaven, we children have nothing to eat. Our mother has no bread, no meal, not even a piece of fruit. O, help us. Give us and our dear mother something to eat. Thou art rich and mighty, and can easily help us.'
So prayed little Robyn trusting with her childlike simplicity, then she continued on to school.
When he came home, she saw upon the table a large loaf of bread, a dish of meal and a basket of fruits. 'Now, thanks to God,' she cried
joyfully, 'He has heard my prayer. Mother, has an angel brought all these things through the window?'
'No, my little Robyn,' said Marge, her mother, 'but still God has heard your prayer. As you kneeled at the altar, a good lady was kneeling
also in her place in the church. You could not see her, but she saw you and heard your prayer. She has sent us these things. She is the angel
through whom God has helped us. Now, thank God, and never forget through your whole lives to "call upon God in your day of trouble." '
Story adapted by Will and Guy, from a Christian story.
A Thought-provoking Short Story Suitable For Children
Trust In The Lord
This is fiction, only for the purpose of explanation and easy understanding and has been adapted from the original by Will and Guy.
The night fell heavy in the heights of the mountains and Barney could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.
As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, Barney slipped and fell in to the air, falling at great speed. He could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. Barney continued falling and in the moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his
life. He was thinking now about how close his death was, when all of a sudden, he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard. Barney's
body was left hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice other than to shout,
'Help me God.' From the sky a deep voice boomed, 'What do you want me to do?'
'Save me God,' pleaded Barney.
'Do you really think I can save you, Barney?' the voice resonated.
'Of course I believe You can.'
'Then cut the rope tied to your waist,' the voice boomed.
There was a moment of silence and Barney thought then decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength. The next day the rescue team
found a climber dead and frozen. His body hanging from a rope. His hands holding tight to it.........and he was only one foot away from the ground.
Sound Advice from the Book of Ecclesiastes
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
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